This blog was originally written by Dr. Kate Beaven-Marks for our UK audience. It has been adapted for U.S. readers.
Let’s talk about self-talk. First things first: what is it? Self-talk is your inner voice that influences what you do and how you feel. It might be helpful, resourceful, and positive — "It’s possible," "I can do it," and "It’ll work". Or, it might work against you — "It's impossible," "I can't," or "I’m not good enough for it to work."
For some, a critical inner voice can serve as motivation. However, for many people, telling themselves that they can never win, or that achieving 100% is impossible, can cause them to stop trying. Critical self-talk can be highly demotivating.
Positive self-talk
This optimistic, motivating voice in your head looks on the bright side — it helps you feel good about yourself and your life and has huge benefits for your mental and physical wellbeing. Positive self-talk includes phrases such as, "I can do this," "I’m doing my best," and even, "I made a mistake and I’m learning from it." It influences your resilience in challenging times, helps you manage stress, promotes action, and boosts your confidence.
Negative self-talk
"I’m a total failure," "I’ll never have a good relationship," and, "I can't..." all lead to inaction and avoidance. Framing a situation in the wrong way —"I failed my last driving test, so I’m clearly bad at driving" — or thinking 'globally,' like, "I will never get it right" are both examples of negative self-talk. So, too, is future-projecting — "I won’t get into college this year and I’ll never be able to have a good career."
Additionally, 'should' statements are unhelpful, too — they’re rigid demands that can lead to disturbance if they’re not met all of the time (which they usually can’t be!). For example, "My colleagues should always listen to me." Logically, there will be times and reasons when colleagues might disagree with you.
What you say — and how you say it
How do you talk to yourself? Based on the descriptions above, is your self-talk positive or negative? If it’s negative or unhelpful, challenge it. Consider the truth behind it and think about the actual facts. Question whether 100 people would all take the same viewpoint that you presented: “Would 100 people say that I’m not a good parent because I…(fill in the blank)?” This can help you gain perspective…and potentially change it.
Thoughts vs. reality
Give your inner critical voice a name. When you notice a negative thought, try thinking, "Negative Norman (or Nellie) is at it again!" Or, preface it with the statement, "I am having the thought that...." (so, "I am having the thought that I can’t do it"). Whenever you notice a negative thought, immediately challenge it and change it to something better and more encouraging.
Taking it further: being authentic
Positive self-talk is a good start. Take it a step further by being authentic — genuine, real, and true to yourself. Be aware of how your thoughts influence your actions. Remember that events don't 'make' us feel happy or sad; instead, it’s our thoughts and beliefs about those events that result in our emotional response. So treat yourself with kindness and respect — it’ll boost your happiness! — and be open-minded to new possibilities and ideas.
Putting it all together: 'authentic' positive self-talk
What is 'authentic positive self-talk'? Rather than getting excited about doing something and beating yourself up when it doesn't happen, be realistic about what you can achieve. This allows for psychological maturity, emotional intelligence, and non-defensive functioning, giving you the ability to express your emotions and motivations clearly and freely — not just to others, but also to yourself. Accept that you’ll likely make mistakes and take the opportunity to learn from them. Encourage yourself, and you’ll develop the habit of thinking positively about yourself and your life.
