If you say, and this is true of so many things with parenting, if youout loud are saying, yuck, I would never eat that. That's disgusting, gross, or just even body language or sounds about who would eat that, and then you expect your children to behave differently. That's an unrealistic expectation. Hey, Claire, how are you today?
I'm good, Rachel. I had a delicious breakfast today.
On topic for us because we are going to talk about picky eating today. Yes, we get a lot of requests for this topic.
I'm going to clarify one thing right off the bat. We're going to talk about picky eating, but we're not going to call kids picky eaters because we're not going to label them and saddle them with something like they might be picky about something. They might be having picky eating behavior. We as parents might be adding to that a little bit, but that's an important thing, is not to label them because it's not like something we'regoing to. It's perpetuated for lifetime. This is a phase often. Sometimes it's more than that, but I think that's an important way to start.
Yeah, I really like that. That child first language, not slapping a label on them that might stick with them through childhood into adulthood. For some of us, before we dive into strategies and all the why behind this behavior, we'regoing to do a quick disclaimer that we are not medical professionals. Obviously, we're here to talk about parenting strategies related to picky eating. There are instances where picky eating goes beyond just a common child behavior. It is a common child behavior. It's very, very typical to go through phases of picky eating. But there are sometimes medical reasons for it, right? Like reflux sensory disorder, autism spectrum disorder. There's another one, avoidant and restrictive food intake disorder, ARFID, that's also common sometimes with picky eating. So if you've got that gut feeling as a parent that this is beyond a typical picky eating situation, please go talk to your pediatrician. Please, please, please.
Yes, that's a great disclaimer. So we are all inundated with nutrition advice. And we, Claire and I were just joking about, as the women of the age that we are, that we feel like we cannot eat enough protein or fiber. But that last, you know, 10 years ago, there was different advice going on and there are so many, so many resources. This is true of all the parenting topics we discuss, is that you, you have friends, you have family, you have family. Of another generation. You have child care or school providers, you have online experts, and you probably have some online influencers that may or may not be experts, all giving you advice about things. And it's really hard to cull through it. So hopefully we have done that. I've. I've actually written some resources around nutrition and early childhood, and Claire and I have done some research here to make sure, as we always do, to make sure we have the right, most reliable information to pass on to parents. So hopefully we can help you figure out exactly why this happens and then some ideas about what to do to prevent it or to respond to it.
Yeah. Solet's start with the why. That's how I always like to start these conversations with you, because I think it's easier to employ the strategies if you understand maybe backing out of it. Why are you doing this?
Rachel, what do we know about why picking eating, picky eating is common in early childhood?
Well, I mean, for so many different reasons. One of the biggest reasons is that it starts to happen in those toddler years when they start to want to practice having control over things and they start. Want to assert themselves, and they are figuring out about what they like and dislike about everything. So I know we've had scenarios. I remember scenarios where my kids are saying, like, I absolutely want this food. You must make it. It's my favorite thing. And then a week later, I make it like, I made your favorite thing again. They're like, yuck, gross. And so that, like, up and down change is because they are figuring out what they like, and they are also figuring out that they have some control and that they're an autonomous person that has their own opinions that they like to share and their own likes and dislikes. And. And as parents, we want them to feel safe doing that. But we don't always have to respond. We don't have to cater to them. We're not running a restaurant at home. But you slowly can get into that, right? You slowly can start to happen. And the other thing is in infancy, even, just like they're developing motor control, just like they're developing brains, just like they're growing, just like they're able to think differently,they're developing eating habits and, and their palate. And so we want to think about that from the beginning. Are we introducing the right flavors? Are we. Is there diversity in flavors and textures? Are we helping them understand their. Their hunger cues? Do we help children say, I'm actually full right now and we respect that, or I'm hungry right now. And we respect that versus overriding those things. Soall of that development is also happening as they're kind of figuring out who they are and what they want in the world. And. And then as they get a little bit older, they start comparing, like, so. And so had this at lunch. I want some of that. I literally want a piece of that. Or then that kind of stuff starts to happen too. And, and we as adults do that. We're like, what did you. What do you have for lunch? Give me that recipe. So the kids are just starting to do some of that stuff as they get older too. And, and coveting what they're unfamiliar with or familiar with or what looks better or, you know, more interesting to them.
It's hard to imagine celebrating your child refusing dinner. But. And I'm not saying I've ever been great at this, but if you think about what Rachel just said, you frame it as. It's actually areally good sign of child development when your toddler says, no, I don't prefer that.That's not the language that they use, but that's what they're saying to you. They're saying, I'm my own person, that I do it myself. Mentality of toddlerhood extends into eating and family meals. So when they push the plate away and say, I've got my own opinion about this, it's really hard to be like, yeah, good job, kid.You're becoming your own person. No, it's not what it feels like. In the moment. You feel like you are running a restaurant. You feel like you are a short order cook all of a sudden. And that this very small child is now dictating the vibe and mood of dinner time or breakfast time or lunchtime. It doesn't have to be that way. And we can talk about that today, too. There's a tiny bit of research they're just starting to explore whether picky eating could be genetically related. That research is not really fleshed out yet. And there's also temperament to consider as well. If your child is slower to warm up to things in general, like if they're slow to warm up to a new library story time, or they're slow to warm up to a new person coming into your home, they may also be the kind of child who's slower to warm up to new foods. And there's nothing wrong with that. That's just their temperament. It does mean you'regoing to have to really be persistent as a parent when introducing new things. Yeah.
And related to that. Right. Modeling comes into play. So if you are someone who's slow to warm or very particular about the foods you eat, it's likely that'sgoing to get passed on. If you say, and this is true of so many things with parenting, if youout loud are saying, yuck, I would never eat that. That's disgusting, gross, or just even body language or sounds about who would eat that, and then you expect your children to behave differently,that's an unrealistic expectation. So being thoughtful about how you're modeling things, and then you also said something that we should probably talk about, acknowledge is we've even changed this in early childhood is we've talked about for years. We talked about family style dining, meaning everyone sits down together, passes food around the table, hasgood conversation. We still do that in our childcare centers, but we call it child centered meal times now because that's not how all families sit down and have a meal anymore. That is, that is a very stereotypical kind of culture, one culture centric way of thinking about family style meals. So we really want to think about. You want to think though, about the style of meals you have with your family. And if it is in the minivan on the way to practice somewhere and everybody's just shoving food in their face, that is also contributing to some challenges you might have with eating. So you do. I get it. I get scared. I had crazy schedules when my kids are young too. But this nutrition and developing good habits around eating and developing a wide variety of foods that you will eat, especially really nutritious foods, is important. Back to the modeling thing. One more thing.
Is thinking about what the point of nutrition is and what the point of eating is. And if we're focused on just eating for enjoyment, that is also something we could accidentally pass on to children. Because food for everyone, but especially a developing brain and body, needs to be really nutritious so they can develop well in a healthy way and those habits will stay with them for life. So everybody, every single family, every single adult, us both included, should change some habits around that. No one is exempt from having some habits that aren't always the most nutritious. And everybody gets to make some choices. But make sure you're making those purposefully. And remember, everything going into your children's bodies nutritionally is affecting their brain development, is affecting their behavior, and it's affecting their ability to learn and thrive. So I know that puts pressure on, but it's also true. So we have to confront it.
It's really important. And it's so easy as A busy parent, busy working parent to just toss a baggie of stuff at your child and call it a day. I've been there,I've had days like that. But we don't want that to be the norm, like Rachel said, because it is impacting their actual brain architecture, like you said, and their energy levels and their ability to focus at school and learn new things. We did some research and read some great research based, evidence based studies in preparation for today's episode. One that I really liked was in the Journal of Pediatrics. They looked at hundreds of families and the researchers found that, quote, when parents were very strict about the foods that children could and could not eat or were demanding about a child's eating, the child was more likely to be a picky eater. So this very thing you may be doing to try to fix the picky eating is, according to this study, probably making it worse. So what do we suggest, Rachel? We've got a lot of different strategies to cover.
Yeah, I think. And you can have guidelines in your family. You can have. And we're going to talk about that. It's just the strictness. It's just the, and how limited or how intensive those guidelines are. So, for example, one outdated practice that is not helpful, that is too strict, is having like asking for a plate to be cleaned or you can't leave the table until you've eaten everything because part of what that does is takes away a lot of choice and autonomy from your child, but it also tells them to override their body signals. So if they're really legitimately full and you're saying you cannot move from this table until you finish your plate, you, you were giving them a lot of mixed messages. So you can say things like, you have to try three bites of everything or you have to at least eat your vegetables or something like that. But you just want to be careful that you're not so strict, that you're actually overriding or competing or undermining your own goals here.
So what happens then? If they say I'm full, and you say, okay, I see you've tried a little bit of everything. I guess your body's telling you you're full. And then they come back 20 minutes later and say, I'm hungry, can I have a cookie? Can I have some popcorn, Can I have some chips? What do you do then, Rachel?
Yeah, so I would recommend. So if you're full but you still have dinner left on your plate, we'll wrap this up and we'll put it in the refrigerator. And this is what you get to come back to,it's not that you don't. That you can choose, that you're done. And then you'regoing to stay at the table. Maybe you'regoing to stay and enjoy the conversation with all of us. It doesn't mean you just get up. Get to get up and leave, and then this is the food you're going to come back to later. So that snacky filler foods are a real danger in terms of children developing picky eating habits because they get full from those filler foods. They're not very nutritionally valuable. Usually people are making all sorts of choices. Some of them might be nutritionally valuable. I was in a grocery store not that long ago and a child and a parent were in front of me and the child was asking for a snack and the parent said no. And the child goes, but it's organic. Like they learn. They learn the word. They're like, my mom likes organic food. So maybe if I clarify.
Perfect example of negotiation. I hope that that mom congratulated themselvesin raising a smart kid. There's a couplestrategies that I just thought of just listening to you talk, Rachel. One is this idea of the culture and vibe almost around eating and meals in your home. There's a lot of research that supports the value of family meals. It doesn't have to be dinner. If that doesn't work for your family, can you have breakfast together? I have a good friend who does that. One spouse is out until it doesn't get home from work until 9 or 10. So they make a point of having family breakfast together. That creates a warmth, a feeling of joy and relaxation. And that can actually help a lot with picky eating if the child is not kind of dreading sitting down for battle every single time there's a meal. Another thing I wanted to talk about is when you talk about not forcing food, is the idea of maybe you'regoing to try a new recipe or you're making a recipe tonight that you know is one of your kids is not their favorite. Can you put something on the table or something on their plate that's like a gimmefood.That's what we call it. So in my family, anyway, sothere's something, at least one thing on this child's plate that'sgoing to make them feel okay and comfortable, and that's of course, what they'regoing to like. Hoover down first, probably, right. But then maybe they'll also poke a little bit the other stuff. Maybe they'll give it a lick. Maybe they'll give It a sniff, maybe they'll taste it. But just starting from a place of, like, teamwork in that way, of, like, I have put, like, one piece of like, your favorite type of bread on the plate. Yep, there it is.
One of the things parents say a lot to us when they come into childcare centers is they look at the menu and then they would say, oh, my child is not going to eat any of this. And then they eat all of it or a lot of it. And parents are very surprised by that. Often what it is, there's a little bit of peer pressure, like everyone else is trying it, and maybe it's not so bad, but it is also that they know that their environment is not. They don'tget another choice. This is what they're having. And so at home, a lot of times we do cater because we wanted to get it. So, okay, they're going to eat macaroni and cheese. So I'll just make it over and over and over again. But instead of doing something like that, you can do something like choices. These are the choices we have tonight. So give them some control. Find the place that they can have, you know, feel like they're in. They get to make some decisions about things. And let's just say macaroni and cheese is their absolutely favoritething. Which day of the week are we going to have that? You get to help me choose. It'sgoing to be one day, and you get to help choose which day it is. So things like that. So it's going to happen and they get to help control and make some decisions about it. But you're not going to be like, negotiating every single day. It doesn't have to come up every day. Or it might. It might come up every day. And then you can remind them, this is the day. We've already made that decision.
I mean, children are master negotiators, and they're testing. They're testing every limit and every boundary, and they're supposed to do that. But at dinner time, often familiesare tired. Adults are done making decisions for the day. So we have a vulnerability in negotiation tactics when it comes to that dinnertime. So maybe breakfast is a good idea. Sowe're not as tired at the end of the day or exhausted from some of those decision making. But that knowing, having fortified yourself with when you'regoing to be open to choices, what the choices are going to be, how a child can help make some decisions. And then the other thing is when you want to try or introduce new foods, one tactic I always recommend is don't do it at mealtime, that's when you'regoing to have an argument. Don't do it when everyone's hungry or when you are busy making things like haveeverybody gets to pick one new food from the grocery store each week and everybody'sgoing to try it. You could even focus on like, everybody'sgoing to pick a new vegetable or one person gets a turn each week or whatever makes sense for your family. You can do a taste test, get four different kinds of fruit and decide who likes it best. That's a good little science experiment you could do at home. But do these things outside of mealtime, when the pressure's off, when people aren't really hungry. And that'sa hard time to negotiate about food choices when you just want to eat.
There's another one is dips. Kids love dips. I love dips. Dips are great. If there are some foods on their plate that are unfamiliar, aren't their favorite, let them choose the dip. You can take your broccoli and dip it in ketchup. It's not my preference, but ifthat's what you want to do. One of my three children will pretty much eat anything. If there's ranch, like dressing on the table, which I don't care for that myself, but I'm not going to yuck her. Yum. And she will eat asparagus. She will eat Brussels sprouts. She will eat broccoli. If she can just put a little bit of ranch dressing on it, Fine. She's getting the nutrition that she needs. She's got a nice diverse palate. You also touched on something else that was great, Rachel, which is letting your child choose which day of the week their, you know, Mac and cheese is going to be. Another great option is putting like a little visual schedule up on your fridge. I forgot that this is something that I did when my kids were younger. We've actually brought it back now that my kids are teenagers because we don't care about their opinion.We're not negotiating at 6pm at night. No, we're not ordering takeout tonight. The menu has been set for the week. So this is works for toddlers and preschoolers too. They can'tread yet. That's fine. You can have like a little visual icon of the pasta. And then the next night it'sgoing to be fish, and the next night'sgoing to be chicken. And again, maybe there'sgoing to be a gimme on the table. Right. Those other nights that Mac and cheese isn't for dinner, you can still have. Maybe you could have like a little tiny pile of plain pasta or something on the side that's familiar. It looks like the Mac and cheese, but it's not the Mac and cheese. But that's your starch for the night. Soyou've already decided a week ahead of time. This is what's for dinner. This is the main dish, this is the main thing, this is the main protein, this is the main vegetable. And just have that set.
Yep, that's a great idea. And then you as an adult too don't have to be making decisions all the time. Soyou've involved the children in this discussion and in this decision making. The other piece that is really important to know is developing a palate is not easy work. You don't suddenly have a new food that you've never had before. And it'san automatic. You'regoing to love it. You have to try something. Usually it's about seven, seven times before you really know if your palate'sgoing to adapt to that and you are going to like it. Seven times feels like a lot for an adult, let alone a young child. So you want to think about how you can do that. And I recommend not hiding too many things in other food so they know that they're trying something cause a lot. So if you'regoing to make like, let's say like a healthy version of a zucchini muffin and they're like anti zucchini. And now you, you still want to tell them it's a zucchini muffin even though. Cause you don'ttrick, you tricked them into something. Cuz that almost always backfires. So you want to be, you know, let's try three different kinds of zucchini and see which one you like best. But just like I get to say there's a couple things I, I don't like and so should kids. So there should also be things that it's okay, you tried it seven times. Okay, we're done. We're not going to make you try that again. I have had like a lifelong. I just do not like a raw tomato. I. There's nothing I'vetried many, many, many, many times to like it. Except for in the last coupleyears I just kept giving it a try and I'm like, oh, I'm good now. Okay.
So it just happens to all of us. And then I could say everyone gave me the choice to be able to say no tomatoes please. Sochild, children get to do that too after a certain amount of time. So you can Just make it clear that that's what you're doing.
And when you're in that in between phase, where you'regoing to keep. You know, you said seven times. I'veheard up to 20 times. It takes toddlers and preschoolers exposure, meaning it's on the table. They're smell. Maybe they're pushing it around their plate. Maybe they're, like, giving it a lick or something. A great tip I got from a dietician was to use the phrase, you can eat it when you're ready, which is a very respectful way of saying, I see that this is not your favorite today, basically. But we're not going to say, you never have to eat this again. We'regoing to say, you can try that when you're ready. And that basically implies, I think you'regoing to try it, and I think you might like it.
So that can be your little catchphrase. I really find it useful to have scripts in my back pocket, especially if you find yourself in a cycle of tension. I have been there with my. With all three of my kids where I am tempted to lock into battle. I am tempted to say, clean your plate. Like, I hear my parents coming out of my mouth. That's not the way that I want to do it. And I. And I. So it helps me to have those little phrases in my back pocket. You can eat that. You can try that when you're ready.
Yep. I actually. The book I wrote that involves a chapter on nutrition. I was experimenting a little bit with my children as I was doing this book, and it was at the beginning of the cauliflower craze. I'm like, I'mgoing to make a mashed cauliflower. I'mgoing to figure out how to do this. And my oldest daughter at the time was. It was just very clear how disgusting she thought it smelled and how disgusting it was and saying not very nice things. And I locked in just like you're saying, and. And had a power struggle with her and said, you're sitting at the table until you try this. It's the only time I've ever done that. And it backfired terribly. And in the dedication of the book, it does mention the great cauliflower debacle because it justhas stayed with us forever.
Oh, my gosh. It feels like you'regoing to win as a parent. It almost always backfires and almost stilldoesn't like it and still will not try it. She's an adult now. I mean, maybe shewouldn't have liked it anyway, but I sure did not help the situation.
That'sa great story. Thank you for sharing that. My story is that my youngest is still our toughest customer at the dinner table. And he is now in middle school and just this summer started eating five or six new foods because he went away to sleepaway camp for two weeks. And he was. There was no grownups pressuring anybody to do anything. They were eating at the table with other children. They were teenagers, right? So there were zero grownups putting any pressure on anybody to do anything. And he came back and he'slike, did you know that I like pickles? And I'mlike, that is a food that is always in our refrigerator. Everyone in this family likes pickles. And of course, it was hard for me not to be like, are you kidding me, kid? I tried to be really like, wow, I'm so glad you. He needed there to be less. And I didn't think I was pressuring him, but it took separation from our family dinner table. So, you know, wait around, you know, hang in there.
Maybe they'll change a little bit over time.
I think that'sgenerally whatwe're saying, too, right? Is that when we started this episode with this, and maybe we'll end with this, is that picky eating is often a phase. It can be a strategy. Adults go through it. All age children go through it. There's very valid reasons for it happening. And there are a lot of things we should reflect on as ourselves, as parents that we can change in our environment and our approach and our thinking that can reduce the amount or the length of the picky eating behavior. But we want to really stay away from labeling, as my kid is a picky eater, this is a lifetime deterministic outcome that we're going to deal with forever. You don't know that. And we can do a lot of things to try to avoid that. But the other thing we'll end with is what you started after I said, don't label your kids as picky eaters is that we are not nutrition experts or dietitians or pediatricians. And that if you do have that gut feeling that this is more than what we've talked about today. When you're worried about your child's nutrition or. Or their weight gain or they're thriving, ask for help. Talk to your pediatrician, because sometimes there is something more going on and you want to address that as soon as you can. Thanks for listening, everyone. Don't forget to subscribe or follow us wherever you get your podcasts.
And if you have a parenting question, you can email us at tplpodcast@brighthorizons.com and your question might be answered in a future episode.
Welcome back to Teach. Play. Love. Today we’re bringing back one of our most popular episodes – an honest, practical conversation about early childhood aggression. From biting and hitting to those big “I hate you!” moments, Rachel and I break down why these behaviors happen, what’s going on beneath the surface, and how you can respond with confidence and calm. Let’s dive into this timeless guidance for navigating big feelings in little kids.
00:00:00
Hi, Claire. I'm so happy to be back with you for another podcast.
00:00:03
Hi, Rachel.
00:00:04
I think this is going to be a really great topic that's going to resonate with a lot of different families.
00:00:08
I think so, too. Today we are going to talk about what many people would call aggressive behavior in young children. We're going to talk about why it happens, which is really, really important, and then how to address it and how to deal with it proactively, but also how to manage it in the moment when feelings and emotions are high.
00:00:27
Yeah, and when we talk about aggressive behavior, we're talking about things like biting, hitting, maybe kicking. These are things that happen at home. We see them happening all over the place. With young kids, it's actually a pretty common, typical behavior. Even though in the moment it feels awful, it happens frequently with young kids. So let's talk about why. Let's start with the why. Why do young kids do this?
00:00:53
Yeah. So to me, this is always the most important thing to think about is why is this happening? We always say this phrase, but it matters a lot. Here is behavior is communication. Children have very few tools available to them to communicate something. They don't have a lot of control in their lives either. So they have a high level of frustration. They don't know how to manage frustration. So aggressive behaviors or behaviors that are interpreted as aggressive are really available to them. And let's face it, they get results. Some action happens when they use some of those behaviors. And I would even throw in some verbal aggression, too. We've all, as parents, had a young child tell us how terrible we are and that they hate us. And it hits us right in the heart. They don't know the power behind those words, but it is a way that they're figuring out how to communicate something else or take some control over the situation. So if we just look at it from that point of view, this child's communicating something with me and this child is trying to control something. Something's not going right here. So maybe it's a lack of self control. I was saying that earlier. They don't have a lot of impulse control. They just don't. Teenagers don't have a lot of impulse control. Sometimes adult adults don't have a lot of impulse control. So we need to really recognize that is a very sophisticated skill. And young children don't have it. They do a lot of acting on their emotions. So some of it's just that it's not very well thought out. Sometimes they get really overstimulated. It's too exciting. Kids love routine. Many of them, all of them need routine, Some of them more than others. If too many things are going on, they get really overstimulated. They go to those behaviors that get things to stop. And kicking someone gets things to stop.
00:02:35
They're not being heard, they're not getting their way. They don't know how to get their way, so they pull out that aggressive behavior. Again, behaviors that are interpreted as aggressive, and I keep saying that because they don't mean to be aggressive. They're not doing it to hurt somebody. They're doing it for these other reasons we're talking about.
00:02:52
Yeah, I think that's a really good point. I'm just going to jump in because what I've observed with my own children, who of course, have done all of these things just like every other parent, and I've observed this with other people's kids and in classrooms, at the library, at the playground, is that frequently the child who does the aggressive behavior or says the awful thing is even more shocked than the receiver, than the recipient of the behavior. Right. Because they maybe wanted. They were feeling frustrated, they were feeling overstimulated, they were feeling excited, and they did this thing. They hit, they kicked, they said something awful, and they maybe knew they were going to make an impact, but they didn't. It's just shocking. It is surprising. They did not mean it to be an aggressive act.
00:03:33
Really, that was not the intention.
00:03:35
And, you know, we all do what works. If you do something and it gets people to stop, or it gets people to pay attention or gets people to change, or it gets a parent to give in and do something different, and frankly, it often does, then it reinforces that behavior, too. And that can be hard to avoid that all the time. But this child is trying to figure out how to control, how to communicate, how to make life work for them. What works, what doesn't. They're scientists, these little ones, so they're like, well, what's gonna happen if I do this? Oh, look at what the result was from that. And they learn from all of these things. Doesn't mean we're all gonna get it right. I had many not positive experiences and reactions to some of my children's behaviors that I will not go into at length on the podcast, but I will admit to them because they're hard. As a parent, when your kids do that, you get triggered, too, and you get that back of your brain that amygdala just fires up. And so you get really defensive, and it can get into a really heated thing. And then children are like, wait, what did I do? This is not the result I was looking for. So it is really important to be thoughtful about the why, what your child is going through developmentally and to take a step back and think, what's happening here? Did they not sleep? Did they not eat? Is their routine off? Have I asked them to wait all day?
00:04:55
Oh, that's a big one.
00:04:56
Have I asked them to share way too much? Have I asked them things they're not capable of doing? And this is how they're telling me that's not working out so well?
00:05:04
Yeah. And I really think that's a great segue because I want to talk about what to do now, or rather, let's take a step back and talk about prevention almost. So you just said, like, if you see it coming down the pike or, you know, let's talk about some things that you can do if you've had a tough time with this, this week or this. Some things that you can do with your young child to prevent that from happening again. So one thing is what you just said. Are their basic needs being met? Are they hungry? Are they tired? Have they had a really long day of waiting in line with you at the grocery store? Have they already run four errands with you this morning? You know what's gonna happen if you ask that toddler to run the fifth errand? They're gonna do something that's gonna seem aggressive to you, but again, that's not what's happening. They are overstimulated, they're over excited, they're tired, they're hungry, all these things. So again, you've been taking care of your child's basic needs since the minute they were born. Those needs still need to be met, as we all know as parents. And if you don't pay attention to them constantly, a long day. This is what's gonna happen. It's gonna result in this behavior or these words that feel aggressive to you.
00:06:03
And we do often like that. Four or five errands, we're asking a lot of children. It's hard for us to have a day like that, but we get to control it. We know when it's gonna end. We can make a decision about, you know what? I can't do five errands, I'm gonna cut it at four.
00:06:18
Our kids don't get that control when they're little. And so again, they are telling us, this is not working for me.
00:06:25
That's right. Another great way to prevent these Behaviors from happening is to. It's kind of building off of what we just talked about, but creating like a yes environment. And what that means isn't that you're spoiling your child and giving into every single thing that they're requesting or that they want, but it means that you're kind of setting your child up for success. So the same way that I try not to double book meetings during the day or. Or I try to remember to pack my coffee mug if I want coffee that day, that's setting myself up for success. You're going to set your child's day up for success. Right. So you know that the hitting behavior sometimes crops up on the playground when you go at the busiest time of the day and there's not enough shovels in the sandbox for your child. And that always results in some kind of aggressive behavior because your child is overexcited. They feel frustrated, it's a perfect storm. And maybe they're hot and sweaty and they're hungry. Like it's just. That's too much for your child. So setting up a yes environment, setting up a yes routine. So you're going to still go to the playground, but you're going to go at a less crowded time of day. Maybe you're going to bring your own shovel from home. Maybe you're going to do some things so that you're kind of preventing that overstimulation, the over excitement or the frustration from happening. So that's just a great way to just kind of head it off.
00:07:29
And that's something we would do in a classroom, too. We would evaluate, we'd observe, we'd take notes. Is this child hungry? What's going on with their diet? If they have a really sugary breakfast and they're crashing, they're going to have more behaviors that are difficult. Did they nap? Did they. What happened today? Is there a time of day this is happening? Is it when we're asking them to share? And so what you're talking about is what we would say is just meeting them where they are developmentally. So if you're bringing their own shovel, you're not spoiling them or coddling them. You're saying this is where you are with learning how to share. And that's too big of a leap to ask you to do this. It's not. You're telling me with your behavior you're not ready for that. But we'll get you there. But we're going to start with this.
00:08:11
That's right, exactly. So you can do all those things, you can try your best to prevent it from happening. But let's say now it's happened, you've tried your best, now they've just shoved another child in the sandbox, or they've hit you, or they've hit their sibling, or they've said something just truly awful to someone. What would you suggest a parent do in that situation?
00:08:33
You're reminding me when I was a center director and I had my 3 year old and she bit me at home. And I thought, no, no. To know that I'm the center director, you can't be someone who bites anybody. And I was just mortified by that. I think I had her stay with my mom for a week because I'm like, we're just gonna have to make sure that I don't have to call any parents. And it was you that instigated it because it just triggers all these feelings of you're frustrated. If you're a parent of a child who's on the receiving end of it, it feels personal. So the biggest thing I think is we just have to check adult emotions. We have to remember that this is triggering us. Aggressive behavior, or whoever it's coming from gets us on the defense, gets our emotions going as well. And that does not help the situation. The children in those situations, when they don't have the capacity to handle it well, we don't help by also not handling it well. They need the model of calm, thoughtful. Of course we want to be proactive and that's always going to be one of our strategies. But in that moment, they need your calm. They need you to lend them the skill that you have honed over the years because they don't have them, so they're borrowing them from you. And something we talk about in our centers and our programs too, is how important the relationship is for children. And if they're not complying with something, if they can't do something, to not get into deeper, oh, this is going to happen. If you don't do this, it just exacerbates the issue. Or get way more into rules and compliance. Focus. Just come back to the relationship. We call that bonding behavior. So we're like, be a listener, be supportive. What that child needs another person and you're kind of co regulating. Come with me, I'm gonna regulate. I'm gonna kind of show you how this is done and lend that to you. That's what they need in that situation. And they learn and grow from that quite a bit. So that's your number one Go to thing to do in those situations. Of course, we've already talked about. Quickly, take some notes. What happened? What was diet? What was the situation that triggered this? What did they say? Making sure that you're thinking about your own reaction to it. This is something again, we look at in the classroom because we often go right to the child that hit, kick or bit. But what the other child or person that received that behavior, they need the attention first. So that if the child that kicked something because they were frustrated and angry and they wanted some attention to help them out of that situation, and if we go right to them and kind of solve it for them, we have just told them that kicking is an effective way to get that to happen. So not that we don't want to ignore that behavior, but just be thoughtful about your choice and your reaction in that situation so that you're not teaching a lesson you don't mean to be teaching.
00:11:25
Yeah, I think that modeling is really important. And it reminds me something that one of our colleagues here at Bright Horizons said to me a few weeks ago, which is, you create the weather. Right. So you are really in charge of lending your calm, like you said, modeling that. And you can certainly swoop in swiftly, but swooping in and swiftly addressing the recipient of the behavior and then turning your attention to the child, doing all those things you said, quickly taking notes, what could have precipitated this behavior, this action, and then modeling for them how to calm down. Right. And what. Let's talk about how you're feeling. And like, labeling some feelings is a great time to label some feelings. You seem frustrated, you seem tired. Do you feel upset? Do you feel angry? And offer that as a question, like I'm offering these labels to you if your child is verbal and then you let them pick one out that fits their feeling. Right. And if they aren't able to do that because they're too upset, you're going to be lending them even more calm. Then it's okay. Let's just calm down together. We're going to take some deep belly breaths and figure out what went wrong here. Right?
00:12:26
Yeah. And giving them those choices to learn about their emotions, the words. But also, this is a very successful strategy. Taking pictures of just collecting pictures in general. You can look at magazines together or pull things off of the Internet or something and make your own little picture book of different emotions. Or just take pictures of their faces or the family faces of emotions so they can match the expressions and the feelings to the emotions and that they have something to do in that moment to say, this is how I'm feeling so they can feel heard. Then if you've proactively, again, you don't want to do this in the moment. You want to have this available in the moment. But if you've proactively come up with some strategies, like maybe it's punching a pillow, or maybe it's using play DOH or something kind of calming and soothing, or water play or sand play can be really anything sensory can be really calming. Music, give them some options. Those could also be in pictures or some sort of way that they can select what they're going to do. You know what I need right now? I need some music and some Play doh or, or I need a calm spot with a couple books. And then there's also lots of great books about how to manage your feelings, or we would call them social stories as books that teach children some sort of social skill. All that can be happening proactively. So then when you're in that moment, you both have a go to tool. Because then you as the parent don't have to think, oh, like, what am I gonna do? Okay, am I getting triggered? Like what? You don't have to work it out the whole time. You go, okay, this is what we're gonna do. We're gonna talk through the emotions. And I know I didn't do this successfully all the time, but I know I did it enough because I remember my daughter coming to me. I have two daughters, one of them coming to me maybe at about age 10. And they said, I'm so mad and I don't want to punch a pillow. And she's like, rattling, I know what you're gonna give me for my options and I don't want to do any of those. I was like, well, at least she knows what the options are.
00:14:15
Do you have like a script or something you could suggest for a parent to have in their back pocket? Pocket. If it's a repeated behavior, like, or something that works. So I have three children at home and one of them, who shall remain nameless, sometimes did do hitting when he was feeling upset or frustrated a few times when he was overstimulated. And it wasn't something that was a one time occurrence and it wasn't ever outside of the house. It was primarily targeted towards siblings and my husband and I, and it was really difficult for me. I found it very upsetting and the back of my brain definitely lit up and so something that I found helpful that worked really well. And I know sometimes teachers do this in classrooms as well, is to use kind of a script. And I wrote it out on a post it note and I put it on the fridge and I had it in the bathroom and I had it all around the house where these things were happening. Because that's when kids fall apart. Mealtimes, bath time, bedtime. And I would, I just wrote a little script that was, you know, that hurts my body. I'm gonna stop you every time. And just very common. I found that if I had a little script ready in my back pocket, then I could rely on it, I could fall back on it. It was easier for me to stay calm. And then sometimes, depending on how upset he was, I could say something like, are you feeling sad? Are you feeling frustrated? Do you want to hit a pillow? I would come up with a solution with a redirection. Sometimes it wasn't even there wasn't even. That was too far gone for that. Right. It would just be that script that hurts my body. I'm gonna stop you every time. Very even keeled. I'm not angry. You're not a bad kid, you're not a bad person. But that behavior, no, I'm gonna stop you every time, but I'm gonna be very calm about it, you know, very, very even keeled. Then it really did kind of just the behavior just kind of started to fade away from the child.
00:16:01
Yeah, I think that's exactly right. Anytime you're reacting to it, it's not about them. It's not that. Knock it off. Stop it. You' labeling of them as this is what that behavior is doing. That's hurting me or that's hurting someone or whatever it is. And that having them connect with what they're doing with a negative result and being honest with them about it, not angry, not elevated emotions, is the right way to go. So just being very clear to them about the result is not. They're not typically out to have the impact that that behavior actually has. They just want to solve one of those problems we were talking about earlier.
00:16:37
Sometimes I think it's worth saying at this point that it sometimes is a one off behavior. Like they're testing it out. Right. They test out what happens when I push my spoon off the high chair. Like you said, they're little scientists, they test things out all the time. So it might be a one and done behavior. If it's a repeated behavior, it takes time. Don't expect that you're going to say one time, oh, do you know how to go hit a pillow? And that's going to. They're never going to do it again. That's often. Usually kids are going to try it a few more times to see what happens. Right. And that's just the way young children learn about the world.
00:17:09
Yep. Yep. And I, and I recognize too, is that there are different situations on a big spectrum. So there are some children that this kind of behavior gets really common and it can be very difficult. And it's easy for us to sit here and say, don't react or don't do this or talk them through that, but you can't even get through the day because it's happening so often. So. And then also there's the one off one time, just an experimenter, and then they're so shocked, they're like, oh, I can't believe I even did that. I didn't know I. I had it in me to be. To kick somebody. So there's that whole range. And if you have challenges that are feeling beyond what you can handle and you need some help with that, there's certainly that's the thing to do, is get some help with that. If you're, if you're worried about that.
