Just thinking about the choices that you can accept. And if you say, help me pick out what's for dinner, if it's cereal, if they choose cereal and you've given that open ended choice, challenge yourself to think, could I go with it tonight?

00:00:10
Yeah, maybe. Could I be like a nice moment of agency for them? Like I got to pick what's for dinner tonight. One night that's not going to hurt your family to have cereal for dinner. That actually sounds kind of nice. I'm not going to lie.

00:00:28
Hi Claire, it's nice to be with you again for another podcast episode.

00:00:31
I'm really glad we're together today because we have a kind of a not tricky topic, but it's a little more complicated than some of the other topics we've done in the past. But I think it's going to be really worth everyone's time to have us tackle this.

00:00:45
I think we're up to the task.

00:00:48
This is actually something I talk about as being my job is taking complicated research based developmental facts and making them understandable, approachable and practical.

00:01:00
So everyone can be our judge here to see if we can do that too. Let's see if you can do it, Rachel. I'm going to help you. Today's topic is agency. So like you were joking before, not a car rental agency.

00:01:14
This topic of agency that we hear as a parent, I've heard it at some parent teacher conferences about my kids. I've definitely started reading it in articles online more than I would have even 10 years ago. So that's why we wanted to tackle this today because you might be hearing teachers in your child's school talking about agency building, agency, encouraging agency. So let's just kind of get into what that means.

00:01:34
Yeah. And this is an academic term that's been around for a while. It's been in the research. I wrote an article about it maybe 10 years or so ago. So it is something that, and this happens a lot. You get a main, you get an academic term and people start to really understand the importance and the research starts to support how important it is and how influential in kids lives it is. And then it becomes something that just starts to get talked about in education circles and then parents start to wonder what is this? And is this a new thing on my to do list that I have to know all about? So hopefully we're going to help you out with that today.

00:02:08
Yeah, it's not a new term like you said, it's just becoming more mainstream And I feel like the easiest way I can think of to describe it is this idea that when a child has it, as a parent and educator, I can see it and I know it, it means that this child has ideas and opinions that they think matter. Right. Okay. And they have the ability to feel like in a situation with you, they can make a decision or express an opinion and they're not too scared or too overwhelmed. So that's not the perfect definition, but you can really see in a child when it's there.

00:02:44
Yeah. And I think it's for anybody, if you're someone who believes that you are capable of influencing your own life. Lives or life if you are. If you think I'm kind of the captain of my own ship and the ship might go into some rocky waters, but I probably can get myself out of it. If you believe that you are in charge of your own destiny, or that you have the skills, the confidence, the wherewithal, the resources, even if you don't know how to do it all today, but you believe that you are a main contributor into the path your life is taking, that's really having a sense of agency. And we certainly want kids to have it young. And that just builds and builds as they get older. And you think about the world we're all living in, we all need to be able to do that. We change so much. We have to believe that we're capable of meeting the moment and not knowing what that moment is going to be, because it changes often. So this is why agency has become more and more important. But also like historically, agency having agency was not valued and actually it was discouraged.

00:03:46
Yeah. So we have a great episode about parenting styles where we talk about different. We do the breakdown on the research on different types of parenting styles. But one very common and popular parenting style, 100, 150 years ago was not supportive of agency.

00:04:00
It was this kind of like my way or the highway. Children should be seen and not heard. That is not agency supported.

00:04:07
Right. Very authoritative, very authoritarian. Those are hard. Those parenting styles are very close. But like the disciplinarian parents saying, do what I say, you're here to do what I say, not to tell me your opinion. And that just wasn't valued at all. It wasn't valued in schools either. It wasn't because we children were growing up to be in careers that were very factory oriented or farm work oriented or rote oriented. Jobs weren't about fulfilling your destiny or doing what you loved or finding your passion. They were about sustaining your family and.

00:04:44
That's not the case anymore. Now, like the World Economic Forum tells us, every year they release their top skills that the future employers are looking for. And we've talked about this before, we've talked about school and life readiness. Future employers are not looking for the non thinker. They want critical thinkers, they want creative thinkers. They want people who can be presented with a problem and not fall apart. That's what agency helps build. So we're going to talk about that.

00:05:06
And I think that's a good point too is people that are presented with a problem and not fall apart so not think, I can't do this. Why would I be given this assignment? What if I make a mistake? I mean we all feel some of those things some of the time. But generally you want people to have and you want children to have this sense of I can do this. I might not know how to do it today, but I can do it. So you think we talk about this all the time, about this backwards design. We're raising a future adult. So what do we want our future adults to be able to do when they don't have us as parents guiding them along the way? We certainly want those things for them. And I think it's so cool. This is one of the reasons I love early childhood so much, is that we can build the foundations of all of this. So young.

00:05:49
Yes, that's exactly right. And we know, we've talked about this on every topic. You have a really great. It's a little overwhelming as a parent sometimes, but it's also a really huge privilege and opportunity for you to start. When your child is as young as 1, 2, 3, 4 years old, you can start building that agency. And so of course there's teams of researchers. There's so much research to sift through about is agency important? The answer is yes. Why is it important? The research tells us it's really important for social development and relational development. Having agency, basically, to sum it all up, sum up like a hundred different studies, having a solid sense of agency is just very healthy for young children for a number of reasons.

00:06:33
So going back to the research a bit, many parents have heard of Jean Piaget and Jean Piaget is really introduce this whole new way of thinking about children and their capabilities and that they can contribute. We really started to understand cognitive development and value cognitive development and their ability to self regulate and self direct that they had some internal control. Maybe you've heard the term internal locus of control, that you are able to control your behaviors or thoughts, your feelings or at least your responses to Feelings, and that Jean Piaget inspired a lot of that research and definitely opened the door to thinking about childhood and children in such a different way. The other researcher I want to mention in this topic is Maria Montessori. So at Bright Horizons, we use the theories of Piaget, Montessori, and all sorts of other theorists as well. But one of the things that people know the Montessori method and Maria's research so well for is she respected childhood. She treated children so generously, so graciously and so kindly. They have real materials in Montessori classrooms, beautiful environments, but also a big, big focus on building children's sense of autonomy and independence and agency. And so if you hear someone. A lot of people don't even know what happens in a Montessori school, but they know that good things come from it. And these are the things that we have included in our curriculum philosophy as well. Because if you have children that are given the opportunities to build independence, autonomy, and agency, they thrive in a very different way than children that are just told what to do or doing a lot of rote memorization tasks. And that's what people see in a child that went to a really good Montessori school. And they think, I want that for my child. And that's what you're wanting. You're wanting that autonomy and agency. So when you're. Side note, when you're looking for early childhood programs, ask for programs that where is Maria Montessori or Jean Piaget's theories in your educational approach? And you'll find it beyond the Montessori schools. But that's just a little thread about the Montessori method that people are so impressed by. And it's this topic that we're talking about today.

00:08:48
Absolutely. It's woven all through our programs, the same way it was woven through Maria Montessori's programs when she came up with them 100 years ago. I want to talk about some of the ingredients of agency. This is why this is kind of a complex topic. It's not just one thing. There's a lot of components or ingredients that make up agency. So those include things like choices, decision making, persistence, taking initiative, taking initiative, and having autonomy. And having autonomy, which is commonly confused with agency.

00:09:19
When we get into the practical application, we'll talk about it as if it's all mixed up together, because that's really what happens. We don't do these things in isolation. So let's start with choices. So there are a couple ways we'd give children choices. You can give them a choice. We can either have this for dinner or we can have this for dinner. What would you like to choose? So you can give them a very concrete choice, but they still get a say. So in those kind of choices, you are saying to them, your vote matters, what your opinion is matters, and you can influence other people with your choice, or you can influence what happens in the day. That's a good way to give children choices and have them make decisions. You can also give them, and we'll talk about this as big and broader choices and helping them make a bigger decision. Those are good things. Autonomy, I think we could define as just really being able to act, function independently. You don't need. You can ask for help, and you can choose to ask for help, but you can act independently for long periods of time. That's another thing that you see in a lot of Montessori programs as children get older. A lot of opportunity to get really deep into some work or do something, pursue an interest or explore something that. That a child is choosing to get engaged in or a person for a long period of time and have the space, the permission, the confidence, all the things to be able to do that.

00:10:43
Yeah. Another ingredient to agency is persistence. We mentioned this a little bit earlier, but having that. I hate to use another word, confidence, having the ability to really know something might be tricky and be able to take that deep breath and try it anyway. Right. That's a big part of agency is. I have an opinion on this. I have an idea about this. I'm going to give this a try. And then if it flops, which every single human has had a huge. Huge and small flops. Being able to dust yourself off and try it.

00:11:17
We've got other episodes about growth, mindset, and encouraging that, but that is a part of agency.

00:11:21
Yeah. Just think as a parent. Just think. If your child had the confidence to persist through something when they run into an obstacle or they make a mistake, and we get temperament mixed in here, and we have to remember these are little people. These are all developing skills. They're going to be very imperfect at this. But that is something parents have to intervene a lot on, is when children are struggling with persistence and they run into an obstacle. And to actively work on that and build that skill in your child will be very worthwhile.

00:11:49
It's going to come in handy both with friendships and with relationships and at work and all the other things they have to navigate. What didn't we check? How about taking initiative?

00:11:58
Mm. I think that's the only one Maybe we didn't get to.

00:12:01
And it's sort of part of choices, but it's different because initiative isn't. Rachel, do you want to wear your red shoes or your blue shoes? That's me offering you two choices. Initiative is having an independent idea on your own and then acting on it right now. Again, for an adult, that sounds like a really simple thing. You probably do that 100 times a day. But for a one or a two or a three year old, taking initiative can feel overwhelming, it can feel scary, or it can just not even occur to them. They're always waiting for someone to direct.

00:12:28
Them, to direct them. And they'll take less initiative if they're directed all the time. Kids get directions all day long. And so when they have the space for not giving directions or they get to be the one to share directions or give directions, that can really change things. So taking initiative is important. I think the one you sort of started talking about, but we should just call out as confidence and feeling that they're capable of doing all these things and confidence, such a gift to give your child. But when an adult asks them what they think, what they believe, what they know, what they want to do, what their opinion is, it feels so good in the moment, but it really builds this inner strength in a child of thinking, oh, someone thinks I'm able to do this. And that shows up in a lot of different ways and a lot of good ways, but. But certainly in agency. I love that.

00:13:21
I love thinking about a child's inner mind and the way that must feel so good to them.

00:13:25
So one of the. I always think of funny stories about my kids before we're talking, when we're getting ready for this, and as we're talking, at least I think they're funny stories about my kids. But parents can relate to that. I know. So when my kids were little, I have two daughters and my aunts used to come over and watch them, babysit them, take care of them sometimes. And one of the things they used to do all the time is play school. In My youngest daughter, Abby would. Was in charge of playing school. She I still have a whole bucket of things in the garage of all her little notes she wrote and all the things she did. But my aunt Jane, who was a teacher, she took on all the Personas of the behaviors that were challenging for a teacher to work with because she, I think, was venting a little bit, getting it out of her system. But Abby was always so. I think she has a lot of confidence. But we laugh and Say maybe that's where it came from because she was given at 6, 7 years old. She ran the room. Every adult in the room, in the space listened to her. She was able to get them to do activities or whatever they were. And then she even had to manage really challenging behavior, courtesy of my Aunt Jane, who taught. So we still laugh about that to this day. That, that Jane gave her her first boost in feeling really confident and capable because she gave her a huge challenge right off the bat that she had to persist through.

00:14:53

Yeah, that's a great example of real life boosting agency at home with a young child. And it's actually the first strategy I wanted to talk to you about, which is play. I know our podcast listeners are probably like, okay, Claire and Rachel are talking about play again. We get it, you guys like to talk about play. But guess what? Making time and space for play is pretty much one of the sure fire ways to get your child's agency churning.

00:15:19
And not just any kind of play either.

00:15:20
Yeah, not just any kind of play. And that's one of the reasons we talk about play so much, because play is so diverse and so effective. And so we'll stop when it's everywhere all the time. Right. Which is going to take us a while. But it's not. Play isn't. Instead of learning, it is where the very best learning can happen. And especially, especially free play is very important for children. And I don't want to take that away. And in fact, it's helpful for agency too. But when adults are interjecting just enough to prompt the play or guide the play in a certain direction or challenge the play, that can be a really great way to use play for learning. So when children have long periods of uninterrupted time to play, to imagine, to go wherever their mind takes them to use representational toys or open ended materials that. So an open ended material would be something like a wooden block with nothing on it, because it can be anything. It can be a rocket, it can be a car, it can be a piece of a building, it can be a ladder, it can be whatever you want it to be. Whereas a toy car, representational toy, that's going to be a toy car almost every time. Both kinds of toys are okay, but more open ended toys will get their imagination going. The longer a child can do that and have this let's find out approach, which is a tenant of our discovery driven learning approach at Bright Horizons. But this, well, let's find out, let's see what can happen, what can you do with these materials versus anything that's like this is the one way you're gonna do it. Step one, two, three, four. It's not very creative. Children will do steps one through four and then be looking for the next thing to entertain them. Not to say that you can't do those things sometimes, but if you're really looking at building that autonomy and agency and giving children a lot of practice with choice, giving them those open end materials and a lot of free time and allow them to save their project. Because if you're so focused on getting it cleaned up, then you're disrupting that long term engagement. So in a center we do things like give them saved signs, have them practice writing on their saved sign. Then you get some literacy in there or like put a hula hoop or a small hoop around it or they get a mat that they can work on and that's where they can save things. Or there's a shelf for them to save things. And that also builds some agency because they get to take care of something they've created. But they also are learning from the adults in this space that their work is we as adults. I don't have to clean up my stuff that I'm in the middle of it. In fact, I leave it there until I can get to it, when I can get to it. And if people have to work around it, I kind of make a space for that to happen. So we should do that same very same thing for children. And it doesn't have to be all over the house, but just find the places that that can work for them. And then when you give them, you can offer something or ask them a question that prompts choices or gives them a challenge or they have to make a decision. How could you make this taller? What if you did this? I wonder what would happen if you're asking those kinds of questions. It also one tells them you think that they might have an answer and it gets them thinking about how to make some more higher level thinking and higher level decision making.

00:18:22
You're basically so you're saying a few really important things that I want to highlight for our listeners which is that it's not just the uninterrupted play is amazing. But it's not like you're saying, okay, peace out. I'm going to go to the kitchen for two hours while you're playing. It is adult supported child directed play. So you're kind of around. You're not the boss of the play, they're the boss of the play. And you're kind of like a passenger in the car and you're every once in a while say, well, that was a cool decision. Why'd you do it that way? Or what did you say this was again? It's a block. But like, what? Oh, it's a remote control today. Okay. I was just checking what your choice was about that. Right? You're saying to them you've got really good ideas about things, and you're not actually saying those words, but that's what they're picking up.

00:19:05
And you can say those words, but you don't have to.

00:19:12
I love what you just said, though, that you're not the boss of me. Because kids say that all the time. Adults want to say that sometimes too, right? But you're not the boss of me. And let that be true. Sometimes when they get to tell you what to do as an adult and it can get annoying, right? Having to play with your kid and they're telling you they're like feeding you lines for hours, and you're like, oh, when is this going to be ending? Ending. But if you know what you're doing for them is letting them be the boss of you for a little bit. It's such a gift.

00:19:39
Toddlers hear the word no like 400 times a day or something. So give them a half an hour every day where they are the ones in charge of the play. They will build so much agency in that half an hour, and it will come back to you tenfold. Another great strategy for boosting agency. We talked about choices a little bit earlier. I just want to emphasize how important. And you can do things like give them. Put limits around choices, which I'm a big fan of. When we need to get out the door in the morning or we need to get to bed or we need to get out of the bathtub. Those kinds of transitional moments, it's. Best choices are great, but maybe you want to put, like a little fence around the choices. Like, I can see that putting on shoes is really tricky right now. I get it. But we do have to wear shoes to school today. So would you like to pick the rain boots or the flip flops? It's your choice. You have such good ideas about things. I hope you can make a choice. Maybe you set a timer and, like, I can't wait to hear what your choice is about that. And maybe they're still gonna be kind of mad about it. But even in the midst of that feeling, they hear what you're saying, which is that you have control over this.

00:20:38
And that's agency. That's what that is, is giving them a little bit of choice about that.

00:20:41
Yeah. I think that this choice thing is a magical parenting strategy and you can do it all the time. But of course, if you're trying to get out the door, sometimes that isn't the right time for it. Or, yes, just do that really limited choice for it. But it is also a way to move kids away from the thing that they can't do and get them focused on the thing that they can do.

00:21:03
You also have to be careful to give kids choices that you actually are going to act on and you're going to leave them alone. So if you say you can pick out your outfit for tomorrow and then they come down in a hula skirt and a swimsuit that you told them so, then you're asking for a power struggle there. So really? And of course, we all make mistakes. And I'm saying that because that actually happened in my household. So you just learn by doing. But just thinking about the choices that you can accept. And if you say, help me pick out what's for dinner, if it's cereal, if they choose cereal and you've given that open ended choice, challenge yourself to think, could I go with it tonight?

00:21:43
Yeah, maybe. Could I let that be like a nice moment of agency for them? Like, I got to pick what's for dinner tonight. One night that's not going to hurt your family to have cereal for dinner. That actually sounds kind of nice. Not going to lie. Another thing I have done with one of my kids to help boost agency was to let my middle son, Peter. I let him be an expert on something. He struggled a little bit with agency and confidence when he was a younger child. And I noticed he was getting really into outer space when he was in preschool. And so I said to him, I don't really know much about outer space. It's not something that I ever really learned a lot about that was true at this point in my life. And I said, what if we went to the library and we found some books on outer space and we read them together? And then you could be our expert. You could be the Goss family expert on the moon and the stars. And he. I mean, talk about following through with what you offer. It was two full years of outer space. I mean, it was like.

00:22:40
It was a long couple of years, but the confidence it gave him, he was making choices about the Books. He was striking up. He was taking initiative and striking up conversations at dinner time about a topic that he chose, and it really helped him. I know it's cheesy, but it really did help him kind of come out of his shell and blossom a little bit as a student. But as a kid, like, he just felt great about himself. He was expert on this.

00:23:04
I knew that there was something coming because you said at that point, I wasn't an expert yet. So now the whole family's an expert.

00:23:15
But you're also telling them that their interests matter, so that's not your interest. I know it's very tempting as a parent to want your kids to do what you wanted to do or what you're interested in, but seeing them for who they are and letting them pursue their own interests and try a whole bunch of different interests. Right. They don't have to stick with that interest. They could try something else. But that helps with the initiative. It also helps a bit with the persistence. And probably there's no research behind this, but I think that one of the hardest things for parents to do is to watch their kids struggle and fail.

00:23:47
And that you have to do a little bit of that to let them be persistent. Because if you always swoop in to fix it or give them an answer, and sometimes it just happens because you're moving fast. They can't figure out how to overcome themselves. One, they're not sure they can do it because we have given them no sign that they're capable of doing it or that we think they're capable of doing it and that they don't get to try it. One of the children's books I've written is called Beginners are Brave.

00:24:14
And it is 100% about this. It's about, like, a kid that's really good at a bunch of stuff, but he wants to try something new, and he's forgotten how to do that. And he's really nervous about not being good. And just this reminder all the time, like, you're not going to be good when you're a beginner. That's what beginners are. They're new, and it's brave to do that. But we need to help our kids persist. So find the things you're comfortable with, allowing them to persist through asking them, how do we solve this? What do you think? How should we solve this problem? And they're going to come up with some crazy, wackadoodle ideas, and you're going to need to try them out. As long as they're safe. That is part of it, right?

00:24:50
That's part of algorithm. Let them try their idea. And this goes for. Even when they're young and they're having like a. Like a fight with a friend on the playground, you can say, well, how should we solve this problem? They're going to say, well, I think I should go over there and hit them. Well, that's hazardous. But they might say, I'm going to go over there and say, you hurt my feelings. And you say, go ahead. Let's see how that goes, right? Like, I wouldn't understand what I would do. But I was just talking to one of my friends about this, and we both have teenagers, and she said, I'm giving my kids the gift of struggle right now because one of her kids wants to buy something that they can't afford. She goes, I could pay for it, but I'm blessing them with the gift of struggle. And I thought, gee, I think I've been doing that since my kids were little. I really see the gift in that, in letting kids try out an idea and let it flop and then being persistent and you’ve got to try it again and see, you know.

00:25:41
Well, that's a good point too, because sometimes because of our resources or our knowledge or our experience, we're very capable of fixing it. So we go quick to fixing it. I still have to watch myself with this because my older daughter works with children and. And so she'll be telling me something about work, and I really want to start solving it with her. But what has been more important is when she tells me about how she handled it. And I've in fact learned a ton of stuff from her, which I love so much. So I think the idea is that she is able by even giving her the space when she was younger, even though I had to say it to myself, I did a little mantra I would like. I remember she specifically telling me about a social problem she was having at school and just saying, don't do it. Don't do. Say anything. Don't say anything. So hard.

00:26:28
It's so hard not to swoop in and solve it. But they're not going to get that persistence and that agency if we're constantly solving, solving it for them and preventing the struggle.

00:26:37
And you can solve some things for sure. And you. You have to modulate as a parent. You're going to see them, they're struggling too much. They can't get through it on their own. But you just like all the things we're talking about and hopefully these ideas were helpful. At least you've gotten an idea of what agency is and why it's so important and some of the ingredients that help build that skill set in your children that is so good for them when they're little people. But just think of them having agency when they go off to school the first day of kindergarten and then think of them transitioning into middle school, which is so hard to do when you have a three year old, but it will happen and then into high school and all the choices they are faced with and they have to find their community and who's important to them and what's important to them and for them to have the foundational skills of agency with them, it's such a gift to be able to give it to them. So and it does. In some ways it can make parenting so much easier. You don't have to solve everything, you don't have to come up with everything. You don't have to do everything. You can enlist their support as they're building that really important agency.

00:27:37
Thank you so much for joining us for today's episode of Teach.Play.Love. We hope you got some great strategies to try at home with your kids. If you found today's episode helpful, we would love it if you would share this podcast episode with friends of yours. And keep sharing your stories and parenting questions with us because we can answer some of them on the air in a future episode. You can either leave us questions on our social media pages or you can email us at tplpodcast@brighthorizons.com and don't forget, please subscribe so you never miss an episode. We've got more great topics coming your way. Thank you so much for listening to Teach.Play.Love.