00:00:00

If you say, and this is true of so many things with parenting, if youout loud are saying, yuck, I would never eat that. That's disgusting, gross, or just even body language or sounds about who would eat that, and then you expect your children to behave differently. That's an unrealistic expectation. Hey, Claire, how are you today?

00:00:25

I'm good, Rachel. I had a delicious breakfast today.

00:00:28

That's really on topic.

00:00:29

On topic for us because we are going to talk about picky eating today. Yes, we get a lot of requests for this topic.

00:00:36

I'm going to clarify one thing right off the bat. We're going to talk about picky eating, but we're not going to call kids picky eaters because we're not going to label them and saddle them with something like they might be picky about something. They might be having picky eating behavior. We as parents might be adding to that a little bit, but that's an important thing, is not to label them because it's not like something we'regoing to. It's perpetuated for lifetime. This is a phase often. Sometimes it's more than that, but I think that's an important way to start.

00:01:05

Yeah, I really like that. That child first language, not slapping a label on them that might stick with them through childhood into adulthood. For some of us, before we dive into strategies and all the why behind this behavior, we'regoing to do a quick disclaimer that we are not medical professionals. Obviously, we're here to talk about parenting strategies related to picky eating. There are instances where picky eating goes beyond just a common child behavior. It is a common child behavior. It's very, very typical to go through phases of picky eating. But there are sometimes medical reasons for it, right? Like reflux sensory disorder, autism spectrum disorder. There's another one, avoidant and restrictive food intake disorder, ARFID, that's also common sometimes with picky eating. So if you've got that gut feeling as a parent that this is beyond a typical picky eating situation, please go talk to your pediatrician. Please, please, please.

00:01:56

Yes, that's a great disclaimer. So we are all inundated with nutrition advice. And we, Claire and I were just joking about, as the women of the age that we are, that we feel like we cannot eat enough protein or fiber. But that last, you know, 10 years ago, there was different advice going on and there are so many, so many resources. This is true of all the parenting topics we discuss, is that you, you have friends, you have family, you have family. Of another generation. You have child care or school providers, you have online experts, and you probably have some online influencers that may or may not be experts, all giving you advice about things. And it's really hard to cull through it. So hopefully we have done that. I've. I've actually written some resources around nutrition and early childhood, and Claire and I have done some research here to make sure, as we always do, to make sure we have the right, most reliable information to pass on to parents. So hopefully we can help you figure out exactly why this happens and then some ideas about what to do to prevent it or to respond to it.

00:02:57

Yeah. Solet's start with the why. That's how I always like to start these conversations with you, because I think it's easier to employ the strategies if you understand maybe backing out of it. Why are you doing this?

00:03:09

So why?

00:03:09

Rachel, what do we know about why picking eating, picky eating is common in early childhood?

00:03:13

Well, I mean, for so many different reasons. One of the biggest reasons is that it starts to happen in those toddler years when they start to want to practice having control over things and they start. Want to assert themselves, and they are figuring out about what they like and dislike about everything. So I know we've had scenarios. I remember scenarios where my kids are saying, like, I absolutely want this food. You must make it. It's my favorite thing. And then a week later, I make it like, I made your favorite thing again. They're like, yuck, gross. And so that, like, up and down change is because they are figuring out what they like, and they are also figuring out that they have some control and that they're an autonomous person that has their own opinions that they like to share and their own likes and dislikes. And. And as parents, we want them to feel safe doing that. But we don't always have to respond. We don't have to cater to them. We're not running a restaurant at home. But you slowly can get into that, right? You slowly can start to happen. And the other thing is in infancy, even, just like they're developing motor control, just like they're developing brains, just like they're growing, just like they're able to think differently,they're developing eating habits and, and their palate. And so we want to think about that from the beginning. Are we introducing the right flavors? Are we. Is there diversity in flavors and textures? Are we helping them understand their. Their hunger cues? Do we help children say, I'm actually full right now and we respect that, or I'm hungry right now. And we respect that versus overriding those things. Soall of that development is also happening as they're kind of figuring out who they are and what they want in the world. And. And then as they get a little bit older, they start comparing, like, so. And so had this at lunch. I want some of that. I literally want a piece of that. Or then that kind of stuff starts to happen too. And, and we as adults do that. We're like, what did you. What do you have for lunch? Give me that recipe. So the kids are just starting to do some of that stuff as they get older too. And, and coveting what they're unfamiliar with or familiar with or what looks better or, you know, more interesting to them.

00:05:25

It's hard to imagine celebrating your child refusing dinner. But. And I'm not saying I've ever been great at this, but if you think about what Rachel just said, you frame it as. It's actually areally good sign of child development when your toddler says, no, I don't prefer that.That's not the language that they use, but that's what they're saying to you. They're saying, I'm my own person, that I do it myself. Mentality of toddlerhood extends into eating and family meals. So when they push the plate away and say, I've got my own opinion about this, it's really hard to be like, yeah, good job, kid.You're becoming your own person. No, it's not what it feels like. In the moment. You feel like you are running a restaurant. You feel like you are a short order cook all of a sudden. And that this very small child is now dictating the vibe and mood of dinner time or breakfast time or lunchtime. It doesn't have to be that way. And we can talk about that today, too. There's a tiny bit of research they're just starting to explore whether picky eating could be genetically related. That research is not really fleshed out yet. And there's also temperament to consider as well. If your child is slower to warm up to things in general, like if they're slow to warm up to a new library story time, or they're slow to warm up to a new person coming into your home, they may also be the kind of child who's slower to warm up to new foods. And there's nothing wrong with that. That's just their temperament. It does mean you'regoing to have to really be persistent as a parent when introducing new things. Yeah.

00:06:50

And related to that. Right. Modeling comes into play. So if you are someone who's slow to warm or very particular about the foods you eat, it's likely that'sgoing to get passed on. If you say, and this is true of so many things with parenting, if youout loud are saying, yuck, I would never eat that. That's disgusting, gross, or just even body language or sounds about who would eat that, and then you expect your children to behave differently,that's an unrealistic expectation. So being thoughtful about how you're modeling things, and then you also said something that we should probably talk about, acknowledge is we've even changed this in early childhood is we've talked about for years. We talked about family style dining, meaning everyone sits down together, passes food around the table, hasgood conversation. We still do that in our childcare centers, but we call it child centered meal times now because that's not how all families sit down and have a meal anymore. That is, that is a very stereotypical kind of culture, one culture centric way of thinking about family style meals. So we really want to think about. You want to think though, about the style of meals you have with your family. And if it is in the minivan on the way to practice somewhere and everybody's just shoving food in their face, that is also contributing to some challenges you might have with eating. So you do. I get it. I get scared. I had crazy schedules when my kids are young too. But this nutrition and developing good habits around eating and developing a wide variety of foods that you will eat, especially really nutritious foods, is important. Back to the modeling thing. One more thing.

00:08:28

Is thinking about what the point of nutrition is and what the point of eating is. And if we're focused on just eating for enjoyment, that is also something we could accidentally pass on to children. Because food for everyone, but especially a developing brain and body, needs to be really nutritious so they can develop well in a healthy way and those habits will stay with them for life. So everybody, every single family, every single adult, us both included, should change some habits around that. No one is exempt from having some habits that aren't always the most nutritious. And everybody gets to make some choices. But make sure you're making those purposefully. And remember, everything going into your children's bodies nutritionally is affecting their brain development, is affecting their behavior, and it's affecting their ability to learn and thrive. So I know that puts pressure on, but it's also true. So we have to confront it.

00:09:22

It's really important. And it's so easy as A busy parent, busy working parent to just toss a baggie of stuff at your child and call it a day. I've been there,I've had days like that. But we don't want that to be the norm, like Rachel said, because it is impacting their actual brain architecture, like you said, and their energy levels and their ability to focus at school and learn new things. We did some research and read some great research based, evidence based studies in preparation for today's episode. One that I really liked was in the Journal of Pediatrics. They looked at hundreds of families and the researchers found that, quote, when parents were very strict about the foods that children could and could not eat or were demanding about a child's eating, the child was more likely to be a picky eater. So this very thing you may be doing to try to fix the picky eating is, according to this study, probably making it worse. So what do we suggest, Rachel? We've got a lot of different strategies to cover.

00:10:19

Yeah, I think. And you can have guidelines in your family. You can have. And we're going to talk about that. It's just the strictness. It's just the, and how limited or how intensive those guidelines are. So, for example, one outdated practice that is not helpful, that is too strict, is having like asking for a plate to be cleaned or you can't leave the table until you've eaten everything because part of what that does is takes away a lot of choice and autonomy from your child, but it also tells them to override their body signals. So if they're really legitimately full and you're saying you cannot move from this table until you finish your plate, you, you were giving them a lot of mixed messages. So you can say things like, you have to try three bites of everything or you have to at least eat your vegetables or something like that. But you just want to be careful that you're not so strict, that you're actually overriding or competing or undermining your own goals here.

00:11:19

So what happens then? If they say I'm full, and you say, okay, I see you've tried a little bit of everything. I guess your body's telling you you're full. And then they come back 20 minutes later and say, I'm hungry, can I have a cookie? Can I have some popcorn, Can I have some chips? What do you do then, Rachel?

00:11:33

Yeah, so I would recommend. So if you're full but you still have dinner left on your plate, we'll wrap this up and we'll put it in the refrigerator. And this is what you get to come back to,it's not that you don't. That you can choose, that you're done. And then you'regoing to stay at the table. Maybe you'regoing to stay and enjoy the conversation with all of us. It doesn't mean you just get up. Get to get up and leave, and then this is the food you're going to come back to later. So that snacky filler foods are a real danger in terms of children developing picky eating habits because they get full from those filler foods. They're not very nutritionally valuable. Usually people are making all sorts of choices. Some of them might be nutritionally valuable. I was in a grocery store not that long ago and a child and a parent were in front of me and the child was asking for a snack and the parent said no. And the child goes, but it's organic. Like they learn. They learn the word. They're like, my mom likes organic food. So maybe if I clarify.

00:12:28

Perfect example of negotiation. I hope that that mom congratulated themselvesin raising a smart kid. There's a couplestrategies that I just thought of just listening to you talk, Rachel. One is this idea of the culture and vibe almost around eating and meals in your home. There's a lot of research that supports the value of family meals. It doesn't have to be dinner. If that doesn't work for your family, can you have breakfast together? I have a good friend who does that. One spouse is out until it doesn't get home from work until 9 or 10. So they make a point of having family breakfast together. That creates a warmth, a feeling of joy and relaxation. And that can actually help a lot with picky eating if the child is not kind of dreading sitting down for battle every single time there's a meal. Another thing I wanted to talk about is when you talk about not forcing food, is the idea of maybe you'regoing to try a new recipe or you're making a recipe tonight that you know is one of your kids is not their favorite. Can you put something on the table or something on their plate that's like a gimmefood.That's what we call it. So in my family, anyway, sothere's something, at least one thing on this child's plate that'sgoing to make them feel okay and comfortable, and that's of course, what they'regoing to like. Hoover down first, probably, right. But then maybe they'll also poke a little bit the other stuff. Maybe they'll give it a lick. Maybe they'll give It a sniff, maybe they'll taste it. But just starting from a place of, like, teamwork in that way, of, like, I have put, like, one piece of like, your favorite type of bread on the plate. Yep, there it is.

00:13:54

One of the things parents say a lot to us when they come into childcare centers is they look at the menu and then they would say, oh, my child is not going to eat any of this. And then they eat all of it or a lot of it. And parents are very surprised by that. Often what it is, there's a little bit of peer pressure, like everyone else is trying it, and maybe it's not so bad, but it is also that they know that their environment is not. They don'tget another choice. This is what they're having. And so at home, a lot of times we do cater because we wanted to get it. So, okay, they're going to eat macaroni and cheese. So I'll just make it over and over and over again. But instead of doing something like that, you can do something like choices. These are the choices we have tonight. So give them some control. Find the place that they can have, you know, feel like they're in. They get to make some decisions about things. And let's just say macaroni and cheese is their absolutely favoritething. Which day of the week are we going to have that? You get to help me choose. It'sgoing to be one day, and you get to help choose which day it is. So things like that. So it's going to happen and they get to help control and make some decisions about it. But you're not going to be like, negotiating every single day. It doesn't have to come up every day. Or it might. It might come up every day. And then you can remind them, this is the day. We've already made that decision.

00:15:07

I mean, children are master negotiators, and they're testing. They're testing every limit and every boundary, and they're supposed to do that. But at dinner time, often familiesare tired. Adults are done making decisions for the day. So we have a vulnerability in negotiation tactics when it comes to that dinnertime. So maybe breakfast is a good idea. Sowe're not as tired at the end of the day or exhausted from some of those decision making. But that knowing, having fortified yourself with when you'regoing to be open to choices, what the choices are going to be, how a child can help make some decisions. And then the other thing is when you want to try or introduce new foods, one tactic I always recommend is don't do it at mealtime, that's when you'regoing to have an argument. Don't do it when everyone's hungry or when you are busy making things like haveeverybody gets to pick one new food from the grocery store each week and everybody'sgoing to try it. You could even focus on like, everybody'sgoing to pick a new vegetable or one person gets a turn each week or whatever makes sense for your family. You can do a taste test, get four different kinds of fruit and decide who likes it best. That's a good little science experiment you could do at home. But do these things outside of mealtime, when the pressure's off, when people aren't really hungry. And that'sa hard time to negotiate about food choices when you just want to eat.

00:16:27

There's another one is dips. Kids love dips. I love dips. Dips are great. If there are some foods on their plate that are unfamiliar, aren't their favorite, let them choose the dip. You can take your broccoli and dip it in ketchup. It's not my preference, but ifthat's what you want to do. One of my three children will pretty much eat anything. If there's ranch, like dressing on the table, which I don't care for that myself, but I'm not going to yuck her. Yum. And she will eat asparagus. She will eat Brussels sprouts. She will eat broccoli. If she can just put a little bit of ranch dressing on it, Fine. She's getting the nutrition that she needs. She's got a nice diverse palate. You also touched on something else that was great, Rachel, which is letting your child choose which day of the week their, you know, Mac and cheese is going to be. Another great option is putting like a little visual schedule up on your fridge. I forgot that this is something that I did when my kids were younger. We've actually brought it back now that my kids are teenagers because we don't care about their opinion.We're not negotiating at 6pm at night. No, we're not ordering takeout tonight. The menu has been set for the week. So this is works for toddlers and preschoolers too. They can'tread yet. That's fine. You can have like a little visual icon of the pasta. And then the next night it'sgoing to be fish, and the next night'sgoing to be chicken. And again, maybe there'sgoing to be a gimme on the table. Right. Those other nights that Mac and cheese isn't for dinner, you can still have. Maybe you could have like a little tiny pile of plain pasta or something on the side that's familiar. It looks like the Mac and cheese, but it's not the Mac and cheese. But that's your starch for the night. Soyou've already decided a week ahead of time. This is what's for dinner. This is the main dish, this is the main thing, this is the main protein, this is the main vegetable. And just have that set.

00:17:57

Yep, that's a great idea. And then you as an adult too don't have to be making decisions all the time. Soyou've involved the children in this discussion and in this decision making. The other piece that is really important to know is developing a palate is not easy work. You don't suddenly have a new food that you've never had before. And it'san automatic. You'regoing to love it. You have to try something. Usually it's about seven, seven times before you really know if your palate'sgoing to adapt to that and you are going to like it. Seven times feels like a lot for an adult, let alone a young child. So you want to think about how you can do that. And I recommend not hiding too many things in other food so they know that they're trying something cause a lot. So if you'regoing to make like, let's say like a healthy version of a zucchini muffin and they're like anti zucchini. And now you, you still want to tell them it's a zucchini muffin even though. Cause you don'ttrick, you tricked them into something. Cuz that almost always backfires. So you want to be, you know, let's try three different kinds of zucchini and see which one you like best. But just like I get to say there's a couple things I, I don't like and so should kids. So there should also be things that it's okay, you tried it seven times. Okay, we're done. We're not going to make you try that again. I have had like a lifelong. I just do not like a raw tomato. I. There's nothing I'vetried many, many, many, many times to like it. Except for in the last coupleyears I just kept giving it a try and I'm like, oh, I'm good now. Okay.

00:19:28

So it just happens to all of us. And then I could say everyone gave me the choice to be able to say no tomatoes please. Sochild, children get to do that too after a certain amount of time. So you can Just make it clear that that's what you're doing.

00:19:41

And when you're in that in between phase, where you'regoing to keep. You know, you said seven times. I'veheard up to 20 times. It takes toddlers and preschoolers exposure, meaning it's on the table. They're smell. Maybe they're pushing it around their plate. Maybe they're, like, giving it a lick or something. A great tip I got from a dietician was to use the phrase, you can eat it when you're ready, which is a very respectful way of saying, I see that this is not your favorite today, basically. But we're not going to say, you never have to eat this again. We'regoing to say, you can try that when you're ready. And that basically implies, I think you'regoing to try it, and I think you might like it.

00:20:16

So that can be your little catchphrase. I really find it useful to have scripts in my back pocket, especially if you find yourself in a cycle of tension. I have been there with my. With all three of my kids where I am tempted to lock into battle. I am tempted to say, clean your plate. Like, I hear my parents coming out of my mouth. That's not the way that I want to do it. And I. And I. So it helps me to have those little phrases in my back pocket. You can eat that. You can try that when you're ready.

00:20:42

Yep. I actually. The book I wrote that involves a chapter on nutrition. I was experimenting a little bit with my children as I was doing this book, and it was at the beginning of the cauliflower craze. I'm like, I'mgoing to make a mashed cauliflower. I'mgoing to figure out how to do this. And my oldest daughter at the time was. It was just very clear how disgusting she thought it smelled and how disgusting it was and saying not very nice things. And I locked in just like you're saying, and. And had a power struggle with her and said, you're sitting at the table until you try this. It's the only time I've ever done that. And it backfired terribly. And in the dedication of the book, it does mention the great cauliflower debacle because it justhas stayed with us forever.

00:21:30

Oh, my gosh. It feels like you'regoing to win as a parent. It almost always backfires and almost stilldoesn't like it and still will not try it. She's an adult now. I mean, maybe shewouldn't have liked it anyway, but I sure did not help the situation.

00:21:44

That'sa great story. Thank you for sharing that. My story is that my youngest is still our toughest customer at the dinner table. And he is now in middle school and just this summer started eating five or six new foods because he went away to sleepaway camp for two weeks. And he was. There was no grownups pressuring anybody to do anything. They were eating at the table with other children. They were teenagers, right? So there were zero grownups putting any pressure on anybody to do anything. And he came back and he'slike, did you know that I like pickles? And I'mlike, that is a food that is always in our refrigerator. Everyone in this family likes pickles. And of course, it was hard for me not to be like, are you kidding me, kid? I tried to be really like, wow, I'm so glad you. He needed there to be less. And I didn't think I was pressuring him, but it took separation from our family dinner table. So, you know, wait around, you know, hang in there.

00:22:35

Maybe they'll change a little bit over time.

00:22:37

I think that'sgenerally whatwe're saying, too, right? Is that when we started this episode with this, and maybe we'll end with this, is that picky eating is often a phase. It can be a strategy. Adults go through it. All age children go through it. There's very valid reasons for it happening. And there are a lot of things we should reflect on as ourselves, as parents that we can change in our environment and our approach and our thinking that can reduce the amount or the length of the picky eating behavior. But we want to really stay away from labeling, as my kid is a picky eater, this is a lifetime deterministic outcome that we're going to deal with forever. You don't know that. And we can do a lot of things to try to avoid that. But the other thing we'll end with is what you started after I said, don't label your kids as picky eaters is that we are not nutrition experts or dietitians or pediatricians. And that if you do have that gut feeling that this is more than what we've talked about today. When you're worried about your child's nutrition or. Or their weight gain or they're thriving, ask for help. Talk to your pediatrician, because sometimes there is something more going on and you want to address that as soon as you can. Thanks for listening, everyone. Don't forget to subscribe or follow us wherever you get your podcasts.

00:23:52

And if you have a parenting question, you can email us at tplpodcast@brighthorizons.com and your question might be answered in a future episode.