00:00:00
Your child's behavior in these situations is not a reflection of your brand. It's not a commentary on your parenting. And anyone in your extended family who's sitting in that room during this joyous occasion and is judging you based on this one five-minute meltdown that your child is having, they don't remember what it was like to be a kid. They also. Every single adult that I've ever met in my life, and I say this to my kids, every adult I've ever met, had a tantrum or a meltdown about something at some point. It is a human behavior. Hi, Rachel.

00:00:35
Hi, Claire.

00:00:36
Okay, we're back today and we've got a great question from a family that came in that we thought would make a great, wonderful episode of Teach Play Love. The question is the holiday season is coming, and last year my child had so many tantrums and meltdowns. Any tips for how to make this year's holiday season a bit easier? Easier. So that's what we're going to talk about today. We're going to talk about big feelings that happen during these festive times of the year, how to navigate them, how to basically navigate through this whole season of the year and, you know, maybe try to have a little bit of fun, try to enjoy it a little bit. It can be difficult with young kids.

00:01:13
And not to dread it so much. And this, it's, it's. While we're talking about holiday season and the question is about holidays, this is really a question about any big change or any big thing that's happening that's not part of the routine. It can really. I mean, if we're being honest, it probably messes a lot of us up too. But we have the wherewithal, the skills, the knowledge, all the things to try to get ourselves through it. Whereas kids don't always have the space, permission, skills, knowledge, all the things they need to figure out how to get themselves through it. They don't have a lot of control in those situations. So maybe you're moving to a new house, new baby, new school, new anything, just a big change in the routine. It's the same thing.

00:01:51
Those are all positive life events, right? The holidays are positive. They're a joyful, joyous occasion no matter what holidays your family's celebrating. Same thing with having a new baby, like you said, or celebrating a wedding. What a joyful occasion that totally messes up every single routine and ritual you have in place with your child. And that's why these things become stressful. So there's a Lot of fun for real, or maybe quote unquote, fun events happening. When you think about the holiday season, it means usually more people, like physical people in a space. It means maybe loud music, maybe there's flashing lights. This can really legitimately be too much for anyone, but especially young kids.
00:02:34
Yep. And I think, being fair, we want holidays and all these things to be joyous. But there's a lot of stuff that isn't so joyful. Like sometimes people have tricky family relationships. Sometimes the adults are going into a situation pretty stressed out and they're carrying that with them. I would talk to my kids, we'd use this analogy a lot when we're talking about how to navigate being a sibling. It's like there's just someone your parents say to you, like, hey, there's this new kid coming, moving in, and you can do nothing about it. And they're gonna share all your stuff. They're probably gonna wreck a lot of your stuff and you need to be fine about that all the time. Like that's, that's. There's some negative stuff that comes with these joyous big events. And sometimes they're not always joyful for everybody, even if you are choosing to participate in them. So some of what we'll talk about too is just checking your own self. Right. And making sure that you're going into it with the, with the way in the place that you. The best you can do to support your child. This reminds me of a time when my younger or my older daughter, we were, we had just moved and we were having Thanksgiving with a whole new group of people that we hadn't had Thanksgiving with before. She was only 4, so she didn't have this like really rich long term history of Thanksgiving tradition yet, but still. So she got all dressed up, which meant her dance costume. And she was so excited to have Thanksgiving. And about 3 o' clock, she goes, I'm gonna get my pajamas on. Yes. And I said, why are you getting your pajamas? She's like, this has just been such a big day. She's like, I gotta wrap this thing up. So she was using the strategy. She knew how to say like, I'm done here. I've done my part, I've entertained, I've participated, and I gotta end it. And I always love that about her. We have a lot of pictures of that moment in both the ballerina outfit and then also of her putting her pajamas on for the rest of the day. But it was a great moment that she felt like she had a way out. She Was trying to manage the situation with the one thing she knew is, like, the day shuts down when you get your pajamas on.

00:04:36
That's actually a really smart solution if.

00:04:37
You're a small child.

00:04:39
I was just thinking about a Christmas season that we had where my older two are only two years apart. And so I think I want to say they would be five and three years old, and we thought it'd be great to make some Christmas cookies. And we made a lot of cookies, and there were a lot of people over, and there was a lot of activity and laughing, and it was a party, and, you know, I lost track of the number of cookies that were being consumed. And I ended up with two kids who felt really lousy halfway through the night. It was supposed to be this really big family gathering, and the food really took its toll. So I just. That I still regret that. I wish that I had this expectation it was going to go one way. And because of this. Yeah, the loud music, it was hot. They were wearing these thick Christmas sweaters. They had too many cookies, and we just had some vomit.

00:05:29
And it was a really unfortunate incident. That's part of the holidays sometimes.

00:05:33
Yeah. It didn't go great. Did not go great.

00:05:35
So that's also for us, too. Right. We have to go into it with realistic expectations and also recognize where our stress levels are, what our expectations are, what we're hoping for when we go into something like a holiday. Let's keep it on the question the listener asked. If we go into a holiday and we have this expectation that our kids are going to be dressed in these cute little outfits and they're going to be coordinated, and they're not going to touch anything at Uncle Steve's house or wherever you are, and they're going to eat just every. Take a little bite of what everybody offered and not complain about it. It's just not realistic. So you can do a lot of things. I know I'm just going to jump into a strategy here, but you can do a lot of things like practicing and really thinking about your children's temperament and also just thinking about what you want from them, what you want their experience to be, and what you want them to contribute to the experience. So a lot of times, parents feel pressured to do a lot of things, like say you're sorry or say please or go give so and so a hug. We really want to think about allowing your child to be themselves. What would you like to do for a greeting for everybody? Would you feel comfortable? Should we practice that? Some people might look at you funny or might question your choice about that. You don't need to worry a thing about those people because you have worked with your children and their temperament. So you're still teaching them about greeting people and thanking people and showing people appreciation and, and grace and value and all those things that are important to do. But you can do it in a way that you're not. You know, for example, saying you need to give all these strangers that you've met and don't remember that are stressing you out a hug. That's, that's kind of a weird message to them sometimes. So anyway, thinking about things like that, practicing it, where were the tricky moments? Where were the things? Was it about eating? Was it that they didn't know what to do? Or they, the strange foods? Was it they didn't know what, what they were allowed to touch or they didn't have any of their own familiar materials with them? Maybe you can bring a special little bag with you. And that can be really helpful too.

00:07:33
That's a great, great tip. So I hear you talking a lot about preparation and also setting expectations with them, but also setting your own expectations. My tip is lower them, lower your expectations with your kids in the holidays. And if your child has a really big feeling, a big meltdown. Because that's kind of what this original question was about, right? Last year, the child had a lot of meltdowns and tantrums. And you're there, listen, we're all there to have a good time during holidays, right? This is a really huge bummer. I'm not going to sugarcoat. This is a bummer. When your child decides to have a massive meltdown in the middle of Christmas morning, or at the Christmas Eve thing, or at Thanksgiving dinner, or at any other, or like a New Year's party or whatever it is that you're celebrating, or it's like the last night of Hanukkah and your entire family's together, right? And this is when your 3 year old decides to have a complete meltdown about the red cup instead of the blue cup, right?

00:08:21
What this means when your child is having a big feeling, it means a few things. It means they're trying to communicate something to you and they don't have the tools yet to say, excuse me, mother, I'm feeling a little overstimulated and I would like a different cup. No, what they do is they throw the cup at your head and they start sobbing, right?

00:08:38
They don't have the skills to tell you and they don't have the Skills to really understand what is happening to them. But that's a big release of a lot of big emotions.

00:08:47
Yeah, absolutely. And I also want to point out that even though it really does not feel like it in the moment, when this is happening with you and your child, because it's happening to them too. This meltdown in front of your family and in front of friends, it can be kind of embarrassing for us. It can feel embarrassing for us as parents. It is actually sort of a compliment when your child gives you the business because it means that you are a safe and secure place for them to let it all out. Okay. Children do not have meltdowns with people unless they are feeling like it's a safe place to do that and a safe person to do it with. So, you know, again, it's not my first thought when my child has a meltdown, but try to make it your second or third thought. Like, okay, this child is doing this because they're not giving me a hard time. They're having a hard time.

00:09:33
That's such an important statement. I feel like you need to say that again. They're not giving you a hard time.

00:09:38
They're having a hard time having a hard time. You are a safe place. You are a loving person, and you are an adult. You have to kind of give yourself a little pep talk. I'm the grownup in this situation and I can help them through this. Maybe just get a little tattoo of it on your forearm so you can remember, I am the grown up really hard. I am the grownup, and I can help my child through this.

00:10:00
And I think why it happens more often at. I mean, there's a whole bunch of reasons why it happens more at holiday situations because the parent is wanting to do different things too. The parent is wanting to not be so intensive on the parenting and wanting to engage in some activities or. Or be with family members or friends that they haven't seen for a while and enjoying themselves. And so they're also hoping that their children will be do the things, all the perfect things, all at once in a time that's probably unlikely that that's gonna happen. So it's both meeting having fair expectations of everybody and setting them up in a way that's going to make sense. Is there an older cousin that can help watch? Is there, like I was saying earlier, is there a bag of materials you can bring that are special materials that you can only use at this time? So it's very engaging and interesting, or just getting yourself ready for that? I know a Lot of parents will talk about going on a family vacation and saying, I don't want to call it a vacation because that was not actually a vacation. You need a vacation from your vacation. But that's true. So when you're taking your children to a holiday event, that's not the time. You're as the adult, going to have a great time at a holiday event focused on your adult things that you want to do. So you have to plan for that and prepare for that. So I'd always say that, and that's true for New Baby, New House is figuring out how to prepare for it, how to think about your expectations. And then the other thing is just practicing and trying to stay on a routine as much as possible. So my daughter was forcing me to put her on her routine in that Thanksgiving example. So just because you're wherever you are on New Year's Eve and you're going to let them stay up a little later. But what could they brush their teeth, get their pajamas on? Could they stop having sugary snacks at a certain time? What are the routine? Familiar things that can happen. Cause that gives them a lot of sense of security and safety, and it normalizes a situation that is off track. So it allows them. You're giving the. What we talk about a lot is this co regulation is you're lending them your ability to calm the situation. You. You're lending them your ability to stay consistent and stable, reliable expectations. They know what's going to happen next. If this is the routine that happens every day at home, they kind of get a sense, okay, even though this all feels so crazy and I don't know any of these people, the same kind of things are going to happen that I can rely on. That takes down the pressure of the emotions quite significantly. So as much as you can do that, as much as you can practice, so they're ready for what's about to come, and they can think through the choices they can make that they feel comfortable and safe with.

00:12:38
I love that. That's a great tip. And one of my big tips is to make your child a visual schedule. So maybe they've made it through the week. And it's the regular, we're going to school, we come home, we have dinner, then it's three books and bath time and bed. But then tomorrow, you know, is the kickoff to this holiday celebration. You're going to grandma's, you're going to your brother's house. Something kind of off routine is going to be happening that morning. Introduce to your child, say this is going to be kind of a different day. I made us like a little visual chart that shows. I know usually on Saturdays we go get a bagel and then we go to the playground. But we don't have time for that today because we're doing something else. And let me show you. First we're going to do. We're going to wrap some presents and then we're going to make a pie and you can help with the pie. And then it's going to be lunch and rest time. And then after rest time, get in the car and go to grandma's house. Do you know how long it is? Make it fun, make it interesting. Let them ask questions. But you're going to have this with icons or words printed out in a way so that when they start to get overwhelmed during this really weird Saturday that they're having, they can run back and look at the schedule. You could say, what. Can you remind me what we're doing next today? Remember, we're having kind of a silly day. It just helps them again, kind of build some of that takes some of that chaos out of it.

00:13:45
Yeah, it definitely does. And it does another piece for kids where they. They can't check their watch, they can't look what time it is. They don't have a sense of how the day is going except for their routines and rituals. So it gives them that in a day that doesn't have so much routine to it. And it helps them start to be able to predict and know what's happening next. The other thing that happens a lot when we're off schedule is kids are asked to do a lot of waiting. And that is so hard for them. They actually don't have a lot of skills to be able to wait. So when you're creating the visual schedule, you're also as the adult thinking through how the flow of this day is going go. And you might catch some of those things. So if we ask. Children have a finite capacity for really being able to be patient and wait and control their own emotions and feelings. So if we're asking for it at times that it's not that important, they're not going to have it when we need it later. So as you're creating the schedule for the day and talking it through with your child, you then get the benefit also of identifying those moments that you are thinking, wait, I don't have anything planned for this. This might be kind of odd. Maybe we can bring along this kind of stuff or we can do this for it. And it gets in the mindset that you're thinking about planning an event for your child rather than taking them along on something, right?

00:15:01
Yes, totally. Again, when we're thinking about that preparation piece, besides leaning into your routines as much as possible. So you notice in that example I gave, I kept lunch and rest time because for my kids, that was like a kind of cleaved our day in half. It was a kind of a reference point for them. There's this part of the day, and then we eat, nap, a rest, and then it's another part of the day. Try to keep that as much as you can, as much as possible. If you're traveling far or you've got people in from out of town, it's not always possible. But that leads me to my next strategy, which is setting really good boundaries. And there's different types of boundaries that need to be set. You need to set boundaries with your child. Say, listen, we're going to go to this big, loud party today. All your cousins are going to be there. All the grandparents are going to be there. I know it can be a little bit loud. I would love it if you would come and squeeze my hand if you need to talk to me about something. Right? Just lay out a boundary. Say, screaming and crying to get my attention. Going to be a little bit tricky. So what could we do instead? Do you have any ideas about how you could get my attention at this loud party? You could come squeeze my hand. You could put your hand in my pocket. You could come over and squeeze my finger three times. If you squeeze my finger three times, I'm going to know. Oh, Rachel needs to talk to me right now. It's super important. So setting up some boundaries and expectations with your kid. Also other kinds of boundaries. Like, you get two cookies. You can decide to have two cookies as soon as we get there, or you can make the choice to have one when we get there and another one after dinner. It's up to you. But two is the limit, right? Or we're only going to open one gift tonight, and the other gifts are for tomorrow. Like, whatever you have to say to just hopefully create some. Again, we're talking about those guardrails on the highway. They get to that party, they're on the highway. You're the guardrails, right? You're going to try to just keep them safe, and on the roads, they don't spin out of control.

00:16:48
And I know that one of the things that happens that a lot of people struggle with is you can set those boundaries. You're going to have two cookies. You get to choose when to have them. That alone is a novelty.

00:16:58
Like, so you're letting your child have an experience that they don't normally get to have. Yeah, you can. Actually, I could. I could choose cookies before dinner, or I could split these up. I mean, that's a lot of thinking that would go into that. But you might have a family member or a friend who is going to undermine that decision, or somebody say, that's silly, or sneak a cookie off to the side. And you know, everyone's going to have struggles and challenges and stress or different feelings about that. And kids learn how to navigate that situation pretty fast. So one. The other thing is, you know this about family members and friends. Likely you're probably not going into a situation with a bunch of strangers that you don't know their behaviors, but you can also proactively try to manage that. Ask for people to respect that, even if they don't agree with it. Ask for people to ask your permission. Show some grace and some patience with that things. Kids. Figure out something happens different at this house than happens at my house. Of course you get to make your own decisions. But if they. If, you know, if something happens a little off of your plan and someone doesn't kind of adhere to your plan, you. You can also make a decision about, is that a big deal? Are you coming at that with big deal reaction, or is it a little deal and then does it get a little deal reaction? Sometimes we mix up our reaction to the quantity when we're. Because we're all hypercharged up with holidays and all the things we had to do to get ready to do something or a big change in our lives too. So just. That's the part I keep coming back to. I think I started there too, is recognize your own emotions, your own triggers in the situation, and how your kids could get a little trapped in the middle of that and. And try to clear those out before you get into the situation.

00:18:37
I don't want to call anyone out in my family, but I will say that when my children were young, we had a grandparent who shall remain nameless, who did not understand why it was so important that we get home on time for my toddler's bedtime. And this particular child in my family really needed to be in bed at a certain time, or else basically the next day was destroyed. That's just their temperament. That was their constitution. They needed to be in bed. They needed to get the full 11 hours of sleep every night. And so I had to set some really firm boundaries with this grandparent to Say we would love to have dinner tonight. We would love to celebrate this holiday. We would love to meet you out for a birthday or whatever. But I have to leave the restaurant at 7:30pm so that we're home by 8pm and tough, tough. And you know, sometimes I was able to be flexible and sometimes because I knew I had a big day the next day or they had a big day, sometimes I really had to hold that boundary and it's not easy. But I was doing it for the health and safety of my child, so I felt justified. I encourage you all to find those boundaries that make sense for you and your family and hold them up as much as you can.

00:19:43
Yep, yep. And talk about them beforehand. Because in the moment it feels like you're judging a choice someone's making. If you're saying please don't give them that cookie, we'll just keep on this cookie theme for a while. Please don't do that. Or I'd prefer it if you not do that or when it comes out in the moment. And of course that's going to happen sometimes. But the two things we haven't zeroed in on so much and then I know we want to get to in the moment strategies is, but we've talked about it a little bit is do not sacrifice sleep, do not sacrifice nutrition. Hold like you can make a lot of sacrifices on other things. But kids will all temperament, no matter their temperament will all react to big changes in sleep and big changes in nutrition. So even when it can feel like you're going to indulge in a lot of things or other or there's a lot to indulge in really thinking about how to have some limits and boundaries around those things.

00:20:36
Yeah. One last tip before we move on to in the moment that I just thought of on the spot is that something else that helped my kids. When we knew a holiday was coming, either a birthday or a Christmas or somebody, my kids got really excited about the gift giving holidays. Let's just be honest, they were excited about cousins. There was so much anticipation at my house leading up to it. The excitement and that could lead to big emotions. They wake up and it's still not Christmas, it's still not your birthday. So I made a paper chain with them and every link on the chain was the countdown day until the day that the big party was happening. Nana's Christmas party, where you get to have your 2 cookies or like grandpa's birthday where we're going to go on a really fun adventure. Right. And then that just gives them it anchors them because again, they don't know how to read a calendar. They can't tell time. It gives them some kind of a visual representation to count down until the really fun thing's going to happen.

00:21:30
I think that's such a good idea. I actually do have done a lot of work with military families and that's a strategy. We talk a lot about when someone's coming home from a deployment because it can feel endless. And you as the parent, when something like that changes. So this is good for new baby too, or something that you don't. The date might change is you can add or subtract rings on that paper chain if you need to. But that visual. Or anything like we were talking about the visual schedule, anything that gives them a visual reminder, it helps them a little bit of that co regulation. You're using an external tool to help them modulate their behavior and modulate their expectations.

00:22:07
Okay, so briefly because I know we could talk about even this for another two hours. Let's say you're at Nana's Christmas party. Your cousins are there, you or Rachel, your cousins are there, your siblings are there, your parents are there. Your child has just asked you for the third cookie and you said oh no. I can see that you're disappointed about that, but the answer is no. And pick your favorite child. They throw themselves face down on the floor, they start screaming, crying, sobbing, making. Everyone is looking at you now. What do you do, Rachel?

00:22:40
So this is. And again I'll just keep bringing us back to as an adult, someone coming up to you when you're in that high emotion moment and saying what are you doing? Getting upset with you about it, telling you to calm down. It's not a workable strategy that does not work for children either. So you have to let them get themselves through that moment. I would ask people if there's people in the room if they would mind if we just had the room for a little bit or if there's a way or I would. If that wasn't possible, I would say to my child, I would like to give you some privacy for this. Not to judge them, not to tell them they're doing something embarrassing, not to whisper under my breath, to tell them to knock it off. I would let. We need to move to another space so I can help you through this. I am going to pick you up like telling them what's going to happen and get yourselves into an non stimulating environment. So whether people leave the room or not and just kind of be there with them, I would hold them if you can get them to, so they can feel your breath, so you can be a calming presence. This is another thing we talk a lot about in our classrooms with teachers is lending children your calm. Because you might not feel calm, but you are the one in this situation that knows how to calm down. So you have to let them borrow those skills for a while because they don't have them right now. Then once you get through that, that's when you can talk about what is happening. How can I help you? That's not a choice. Let's think about some choices you can make. Then later you can debrief that, talk about what you do differently. It's also good as a parent. You might not have a little notebook to jot things down, but one of the things that we talk about is what's the antecedent to this behavior? What happens happened before? And you can almost always figure it out. Did something happen that they didn't get something they wanted? Did an expectation not get met? Did someone hurt them? Was there something unfair or unjust happening? Did it. You know what? There is almost always something that you can see, oh, this happened right before or soon before and it led to. Or is a series events that led to it.

00:24:39
Yeah. And it might be pretty obvious and it might not be in some cases.

00:24:42
And then the reaction to it. So if in the past that reaction has gotten them the cookie or the thing that they wanted, it's more likely to happen too. So it's also they've they're learning behavior gets something, means something, it leads to something. And so if their, if the response is to try to get them to be quiet and stop and saying like, okay, I'll give you the, whatever that that is, that is a message to them. It is a choice you can make as a parent, but it is a message to a child when that is the result of that kind of behavior.

00:25:14
Another thing that's happening in that moment before you've managed to scoop your child up maybe is the embarrassment that you're feeling and the mortification, especially in front of your extended family. You might be feeling judged, you might be feeling helpless. And I want to just remind families that your child's behavior in these situations is not a reflection of your brand. It's not a commentary on your parenting. And anyone in your extended family who's sitting in that room during this joyous occasion and is judging you based on this one five minute meltdown that your child is having, they don't remember what it was like to be a kid. They also every single adult that I've ever met in my life, and I say this to my kids, every adult I've ever met, had a tantrum or a meltdown about something at some point. It is a human behavior. Okay. Young kids get big feelings and they just overflow. So telling yourself, I'm a good parent, my child's a great kid. This is really tough. Right? We are just having a sticky moment right now.

00:26:14
We are learning a life lesson in front of an audience.

00:26:17
Yes. Makes it tricky in front of an audience. And when your audience is your extended family, it can feel particularly burning sometimes. So just giving yourself a lot of grace.

00:26:26
Yeah. But then you could be on a podcast someday talking about all those things your kids did to you when they were.

00:26:33
So I hope overall, what we're talking about here is that, and this is true for so many things with children. But when you're going to a new school, when you're moving, when there's a new baby, a new sibling, any kind of new family member, that's going to change the household structure. A holiday, a special event, a vacation. The more that you do to prepare, the more that you do to practice hanging onto those rituals and routines, being centered yourself, understanding that your child has a finite amount of abilities and skills to be patient, to manage change, to know how to calm themselves down. And they're going to look to you to lend them those skills or help them build those skills. And that's truly a compliment, even though it feels the exact opposite. That will help you get through all of the holidays or special events coming to you this year.

00:27:25
Thanks for joining us for this important conversation today. You'll notice we started the episode by answering a parenting question sent in by one of our listeners. If you'd like us to address one of questions in an upcoming episode, you can either leave it as a comment on one of our social media pages or you can email us at tplpodcast@brighthorizons.com your stories and questions will help shape future episodes.

00:27:47
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