When you hear the word "negotiation," you might think of high-stakes business deals or corporate boardrooms. In reality, you negotiate every day.

You negotiated as a kid when you asked to stay up one more hour to watch TV. You negotiate at work when you're deciding on project timelines or responsibilities. You negotiate in your personal life when you're making decisions with your partner or splitting up household tasks.

The problem is that most of us think haggling over a price is negotiation, and it's not. At least not the kind of negotiation that creates real value and builds relationships.

In a recent webinar with EdAssist® by Bright Horizons®, we spoke to Brad Leve, Assistant Teaching Professor in the Department of Management and Organization at Penn State University. Brad brings a unique mix of academic insight and real-world experience, having worked on Wall Street as a municipal and corporate bond analyst and led operations for several entrepreneurial ventures before joining Penn State.

He shared three simple rules that can transform the way you approach negotiation in your professional and personal life.

Rule 1: Know why you're in the room

This sounds obvious, but it's amazing how often we don't actually know why we're negotiating.

"I'm going to buy a great car and want to get a good price" isn't specific enough. What does "good car" mean? What does "good price" mean? Without specifics, you're just winging it.

Before you enter any negotiation, you need to know three things:

1. What you want. Be specific and measurable. Not "a good car," but "a car with a manual transmission, one of these three brands, with a hatchback and front-wheel drive, and under $24,000." Write it down.
2. What you'll do if the negotiation fails. This is called your BATNA, or your “Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement.” If you can't reach a deal, what's your backup plan? Knowing this gives you power because you're not desperate.
3. When your pocket is empty. You need to know your limits before you sit down. What can you absolutely not accept? What are you unwilling to give up?

These need to be written down, providing clear goals that you can reference during the negotiation.

Rule 2: Make sure you're with someone who can and will negotiate

You can't negotiate with someone who doesn't have the ability or willingness to negotiate with you.

Think about it: when you're at the grocery store, can you negotiate the price of milk with the cashier? Probably not. They don't have the authority to change the price, so you're wasting your time trying.

The key is recognizing when someone is using tactics instead of actually negotiating with you. There are two main types:

1. Ingratiation tactics (the sneaky ones). This is when someone is overly friendly, complimentary, or doing you small favors to make you feel good and cloud your judgment. They're trying to make you emotional so you'll agree to things you otherwise wouldn't.
2. Feather ruffling tactics (the hardball ones). This includes threats, ridicule, persuasive arguments, or creating artificial urgency ("the world is going to end unless you agree right now"). These are designed to make you uncomfortable so you'll give in.

Here's the important part: there's no moral judgment on these tactics. People use them all the time without even realizing it. But when you see them happening, you're not actually negotiating. Your best option is to call a timeout and say, "Let's stop using tactics and get back to negotiating," or simply walk away.

Rule 3: Ask questions to add issues

This is where real negotiation happens.

If you're only arguing over one thing—for example, the price of something—you're haggling, not negotiating. Haggling is just throwing numbers at each other hoping to land somewhere in the middle.

Real negotiation happens when you ask diagnostic questions that uncover additional issues. The more issues you have, the more you can trade things that aren't important to you for things that are.

Brad shared a perfect example from his own life.

The lawnmower story: How asking one question created $100 of value

When Brad moved to Penn State from Philadelphia, he had never cut a lawn in his life. Everyone in his neighborhood cut their own lawns, and he didn't want to look like a "city slicker," so he gave it a shot.

It didn't go well. He held onto the lawnmower handles so tightly during his first attempt that he ended up with bursitis in both shoulders and had to go to the hospital.

Eventually, his lawnmower (which he named Moe) broke down completely. He called Don, who ran a local small equipment shop. Don told him, "I'm not going to fix this. I'm going to take it out back and shoot it. But I have a tractor here that I use myself. I'll sell it to you for $500."

$500 sounded like a good deal compared to buying a new mower for $1,000-$2,000. But this is where the negotiation actually began.

Brad asked one simple question: "Is that your cash price?"

Don paused. "Cash? Oh, cash price is $400."

Now here's the question: When Brad went to the ATM and got cash to bring to Don, how much did he put in the envelope?

Most people guess $400 or less. Brad put $500 in the envelope.

Why? Because by asking that one question, he discovered there was another issue to negotiate. It wasn't just about the price anymore—it was about the method of payment.

Here's what Brad realized:

• Cash wasn't that important to him. Stopping at an ATM took 25 seconds.
• Fast service was very important to him. He needed his lawn cut quickly so his neighbors wouldn't know he couldn't fix his own equipment.

And here's what he knew about Don:

• Cash was worth $100 to Don (he'd lowered the price by $100 for cash payment).
• Fast service probably wasn't a big deal to Don.

So Brad traded something that didn't matter much to him (paying in cash) for something that mattered a lot (getting his tractor fixed and returned immediately). He gave Don the full $500 in cash, and Don prioritized his repair and got the tractor back to him right away.

This is called log rolling. Both parties got more than they expected because they created value that didn't exist before that question was asked.

Log rolling vs. compromise: Why compromise is actually a dirty word

Most people think compromise is a good thing. In negotiation, it's not.

Compromise means both parties are giving something up and feeling dissatisfied. By definition, one or both of you is unfulfilled.

Log rolling is completely different. It's when you realize that something isn't that important to you, and you're willing to trade it for something that is important to you. Both parties end up better off.

In the lawnmower example, if Brad had haggled Don down to $450, that would have been a compromise. Brad would have felt okay, and Don might have felt like he didn't get enough. One or both would be dissatisfied.

Instead, because they log rolled, Brad got fast service (which he valued highly) and Don got cash (which he valued highly). Both walked away happy.

How to prepare for your next negotiation

Whether you're negotiating a job offer, a project timeline, or where to go for dinner, here's how to prepare:

• Write down your goals. Be specific and measurable. What do you want? What's your backup plan if this doesn't work out? What are your limits?
• Research the other party. What might they want? What are their constraints? What might be valuable to them that isn't valuable to you?
• Prepare questions. Come up with a list of diagnostic questions that might uncover additional issues. The more issues you find, the more you can trade.
• Stay aware of tactics. Are you being ingratiated (made to feel overly good)? Are your feathers being ruffled (being made to feel uncomfortable)? If so, call a timeout or walk away.
• Look for differences. Value often exists in differences between negotiators, including differences in interests, risk tolerance, time preferences, or judgments about the future. These differences are your "Easter eggs."

Ready to sharpen your negotiation skills?

Remember: negotiation isn't about winning or losing. It's about creating value and finding solutions where both parties can get what they need. The more you practice these three rules, the better you'll get at uncovering those opportunities.

If your employer offers EdAssist benefits, you may have access to education opportunities that can help you develop professional skills like negotiation and influence. Penn State World Campus offers programs in business, management, and leadership that cover negotiation strategies in depth. You can also potentially use your continued education to negotiate a higher raise or position yourself for promotion, so keep these tips handy!