It’s Saturday afternoon and Mom and Dad ask to come over and spend some quality time with the kids. You happily say “yes,” go off to enjoy a cartoon-free movie (yay!) and ketchup-less meal (ibid!), only to come back at 8pm to find your kids polishing off a plate of brownies after you specifically told your parents no sweets after dinner.
“You ate brownies when you were a kid,” says your dad with a shrug. “And you turned out fine.”
Breathe.
This is the sticky side of those helpful parenting “villages” we always talk about -- the ones with the well-meaning grandparents, aunts, and uncles we love (really!) but who make us nuts. “It’s a good thing to have family willing to support and help,” says Bright Horizons Vice President of Education and Development Rachel Robertson. “But of course there are challenges.” Truth.
As our resident child development expert, Rachel knows all about the good stuff our villages bring – how kids can never have too much unconditional love; how data says all the love helps kids take risks, form identity, and build confidence. But as a mom who once lived with her parents while raising kids, she also knows a thing or two about the other stuff – the part where you get mad because grandparents won’t do things the way you want. Sure, they just want to help. But that doesn’t make it any easier when you’re staring across an empty brownie plate to the tune of “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.”
“Deep breaths,” said Rachel with a laugh.
Rachel talked about all of it with our Podcast Host and Senior Manager of Learning, Development, Education, and Curriculum Claire Goss. For those times things get heated, here are Rachel’s 5 pieces of advice:
Choose your battles: OK. Hear us out. You really want your kids to eat healthy. But in the scheme of child raising, is an occasional brownie as big as, say, a safety issue -- something you have to deal with, stat? “A brownie may seem like a big deal because you asked them not to do this and they did it,” says Rachel. “But in the grand scheme of your child’s wellness and health and happiness, it’s probably not that big a deal.”
Trust the kids to get it: Brownie-gate gets big because it feels like the Jenga piece that brings down the whole rule structure. It won’t. Kids are pretty smart, says Rachel. “They’ll adapt without even thinking about it.” Heck, you can probably look back at your own childhood and see all the fun stuff you got away with at grandma’s (we’re talking to you, candy dish) that you knew would never fly at home. Even better, think of that verboten item or activity as the special grandma thing they’ll remember when they have kids.
Take a beat: It’s tempting to respond to rule infractions in the moment. But don’t. We know it’s irritating. We know you’ve asked them over and over. But a heated argument will get you nowhere. And some distance will preserve cool heads. “Maybe even make a journal or notes to yourself to tamp down the loaded emotion,” says Rachel. Then revisit later when you can talk calmly.
Honor mom’s and dad’s experiences: Here’s the funny thing about grandparents: they’ve already finished the very parenting job you’re doing right now. And here you are! Rachel says to recognize that expertise by talking to them as a colleague rather than an adversary. Acknowledge you’re in the trenches together. Maybe even ask for some advice. “That perspective,” says Rachel, “eases tension right off the bat.”
Be prepared for really sticky situations: Beyond safety, the biggest deals are about values – say, an opinion or political belief (religion or politics) stated in front a child. Rachel suggests readying for those moments with a go-to phrase, something like: “That’s one way of looking at it.” Then circle back later to touch base with your parents (“I appreciate your point of view, but it’s not one we share”) and your child (“I want to talk to you about something grandpa said today”). The goal is to make position clear without vilifying the person.
Above all, Rachel says to keep communicating. “An actual village doesn’t work if no one’s talking,” she says. And remember when you’re in the thick of it that one of the things that allows us to fight with family is our relationships – we’re always going to love each other, even in the face of dissent. Just as important, our podcast host Claire reminds us that we’re all on the same team – team grandkid. “You all want the same thing for this child,” says Claire. “Rather than looking at it oppositionally, look at it is as, “This child is so loved.’”
Amen.
