Not long ago, a colleague, Tina, told a story about her grandfather and the stroke that had taken his ability to communicate. Time passed and recovery seemed unlikely. Yet out of the blue, something amazing happened – he spoke. The family was shocked, the doctors not so much.
Doctors called the family’s engagement the secret. All the while their grandfather was silent, they’d committed to conversing with him – even if the talks were one-sided. “You can imagine how exhausting these conversations could be,” the woman told us. But it worked. Grandpa even laughed.
It’s an extreme example of the power of social engagement – how the mere act of being part of the conversation can keep people vibrant. Physical and other limitations can make the older years a time of retreat. Yet the solitude itself can cause the very declines we’re all trying to avoid.
Holiday gatherings are a great time to re-up the commitment to conversation. Even little things you do at the holiday table can have an impact that can last all year.
Check those hearing aids: We’ve all had the experience of a grandparent sitting silently at the table while the chatter buzzes around them. It may seem like a choice. But very often it’s physical -- they simply can’t hear. If you notice a senior’s silence, ask them about hearing. If they don’t have hearing aids, get that process started. If they do, make sure they’re being used correctly. Results can be dramatic. One NIH study showed hearing aids reduced the rate of cognitive decline in seniors by 50 percent.
Consider where you’re meeting: Loud music; minimal sound absorption; general clamor…21st-century restaurants are loud. It’s a conversation hindrance for most of us, but for seniors with hearing trouble, it’s a complete conversation stopper. If you’re headed to a restaurant, consider reviews up front. Maybe check it out ahead of time and choose something quieter or advocate for a table in a quiet corner. A little recon can be game-changing for everyone.
Think about the seating arrangement: That head-of-the-table position for grandpa may seem like the seat of honor. But really it might be the thing that separates him from the action. Instead, sit seniors closer to family, ideally between two people to make conversation possible.
Engage deliberately: Talking to the back of someone’s head is hard; hearing that way is practically impossible. If you notice people on either side of a senior pointed toward companions on the other side, try to deliberately re-orient the conversation so everyone can take part. If you’re the party host, consider a seating arrangement that puts the most lively, conversational guests right next to the seniors. For elders, small tweaks like this can make a sea of difference.
Walk down memory lane: Grandma might not be well versed in Marvel canon or the origin of Taylor’s versions. But family memories are something everyone can get into. Relive that disastrous family trip when you ran out of gas. Ask grandma about some of her growing-up-with-eight-sisters stories. Re-adjudicate who really left the tap on twenty years ago and let the bathtub overflow. Then sit back and enjoy the party.
Create conversation starters: You know those games with question cards that prompt answers? Use those. Or create your own. Make sure the questions are open ended, such as what was your favorite outfit in the 70s? What was your first concert? What’s something you know that your kids never realized you found out? “Grandma’s story about the party mom threw and how she learned about it was epic,” says Jane.
The idea of conversation may seem small. But Tina knows just how life-changing it can be. “As a family, we committed to doing our best to make sure we were each actively engaging with him when we were there,” she says. “Turns out, the power of companionship and conversation can be stronger than anything medicine can do.”