Caring for an adult family member is stressful. Caring for a family member during the holiday season is stressful…times 10.
Why is it so much harder?
Caregiving takes a lot of energy on a regular day. Now add shopping, cooking, planning, socializing, gift-giving, and the need to be always “on.” Throw in visiting relatives, plus maybe a dose of resentment about being the default caregiver, and the result is what Jane, a consultant who guides clients through the complicated territory of elder care, calls a recipe for burnout.
“It’s the perfect storm,” she says.
But does it have to be? Emerging unscathed starts with being protective. Advocate for yourself, says Jane. Be ok with your feelings, whatever they are. “You’re entitled to take care of you.” That means dialing back expectations, reminding people what you’re taking on, and deploying those two little letters we don’t use nearly often enough: n-o.
“‘No,’” says Jane, “is a powerful ally.”
What else can you do to protect yourself this season?
Commit to boundaries. Self-care starts with sticking up for yourself, and that means standing your ground even when it might be hard. Can’t make an airport run? It’s ok. Don’t have the wherewithal to host overnight guests? Say so. Be clear about the boundary and resist the urge to over-explain. “No is a complete sentence,” writes the New York Times about how to be ok with letting people down. “Offer context, just not too much.”
Stick to the routine. Incoming visitors may have elaborate ideas about rapid-fire visits. But that’s a challenge for people with sensory issues or dementia. “Too many people or too much celebrating can cause meltdowns,” says Jane, “and that takes a lot out of a caregiver.” Explain the schedule, the boundaries, and why not every event is a possibility.
Ask for help. Visiting family means extra hands. Unapologetically enlist them. Create a schedule of coverage for grandma. Resist the urge to be the go-to fixer. “My visiting brother once told me he thought mom needed to see her eye doctor,” recalls Lisa of a recent holiday visit. “I told him, great — the number’s in the book. He got the hint and took care of it.” Like Lisa’s brother, they might need a nudge. But the extra help means time off for you — and the reminder to pitch in may outlast the holidays.
Cede control. Accepting help means losing control of how things are done. Maybe your sister let mom sleep too late. Maybe your cousin gave into dad’s craving for verboten greasy junk food. Perhaps the pecan pie your brother helpfully picked up isn’t your go-to brand. Resist the urge to micromanage. Let it go and move on.
Dispense with perfection. Remember last year’s famous influencer holiday spread that went viral on social media? We don’t either. Nobody does. What we look back on are the memories, even if they involve a torched turkey or lumpy gravy. Buy, thaw, or pop open at your convenience and know everyone will be fine with the results — and anyone who isn’t can throw on an apron.
Remember the happy. For all the limits required to avoid burnout, don’t forget the joyful part of the holidays. Most people, writes the New York Times, say even with the difficulties, they’re proud to be able to help. Lean on that. While you’re all together, embrace old traditions. Laugh with family. Walk down memory lane, and remember the joy of being with family members you’re caring for and spending time with.
Finally, make sure to give yourself a gift. Respite help, says Jane, is exactly what it sounds like — paid help that comes in to spell you. For those with elder care benefits, this may be the best time to find an extra hand.
“A lot of people don’t even realize their employers offer back-up care,” says Jane. “It’s one of those use-it-or-lose-it things. If you haven’t tried it, make sure to use those days now.”
Here are more resources to avoid caregiving and/or holiday burnout:
5 ways to set boundaries and avoid caregiving burnout
Sandwiched & stressed: how to care for yourself while caring for others
How to create the perfect holiday? Hint: you don't