Seeing less of your teen’s face than the other side of a bedroom door? It’s a normal part of development. Here’s how to keep communicating.
Your teen was always the first to the table for ice cream or family game night. But suddenly they prefer solitude over silliness, and you’re less likely to see their smiling face than the other side of a closed bedroom door. What’s up?
It’s to be expected, say experts. For teens dealing with a lot of changes (hormones, social lives, school), being alone is a coping mechanism; a place “to take a step back and self-reflect,” says Psychology Today
Still, as parents, it’s hard to know if solitary is too solitary – or if we should be worried. How can you stay connected while respecting your teen’s new boundaries? The key is to meet them where they are.
Some strategies to think about:
Timing is everything. A parent pulling up a chair to “Let’s Talk” are more likely to get kids who flee than share. Leverage spontaneity instead; chat during a walk; ask a question during a drive; be curious during an activity. The casual vibe can itself be a conversation starter. Plus, side-by-side versus face-to-face contact makes it easier to say the hard stuff, which can spark genuine heart-to-hearts.
Choose words wisely: The best conversations are a mix of validation with reassurance. So rather than telling kids “I know how you feel” (which can unintentionally invalidate them) listen to their experiences; assure them that they’re real, and where appropriate, share your own past (“I remember feeling lonely too when I was your age”) to reassure them that they are not the first to travel this path.
Listen versus advise: Is your child telling you something (“I think I’m going to flunk this test”) that sends you immediately into parent mode? Resist! Scolding will only push them to retreat. Instead, listen thoughtfully to their concerns; talk about the problem; and ask if there’s something you can do together to be supportive. Model the same type of communication with your partner and other members of the family. The less judgment they fear, the more they’ll open up.
Engage in their hobbies: Boy bands and epic superhero movies may seem, well…mind numbing. But the connection potential of talking to your teen in their language is priceless. Besides, kids have spent a lifetime learning from you. Tuning in shows you’re willing and interested in learning a thing or two from them.
Stop and Listen: Teens aren’t the most demonstrative crowd (see, “prefer solitude,” above). So when they seek you out – if they come into the room when you’re engaged in something else -- stop what you’re doing, look them in the eye, and listen. The moments when they’re ready and willing to talk are precious; capitalize on every one.
Don’t be afraid to use technology since some kids would rather text their feelings than talk about them. And above all, remember to trust your gut. Alone time isn’t the same as complete solitude. If you sense your child is retreating not just from family time, but also from friends and social life – or if you just feel something isn’t right – it may be time to talk to a medical professional.
But generally, giving your kids space is important. Respecting their need for privacy – knowing they need down time between schoolwork or chores -- can help them to re-energize. “Solitude seems to be a space in which teens can regulate their moods,” says Psychology Today, “to emerge feeling more balanced and cheerful. Isn’t that what every parent hopes for?” Plus, a fringe benefit? After some space for self-care, they may be more willing to make an occasion trip to game night.
