Separation anxiety is undoubtedly tough for both parents and children, however, it is a good thing. That’s right! According to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, an accomplished pediatrician, the strong reactions children and parents have while saying goodbye to each other are due to the secure bonds between parent and child. Separation anxiety is simply a child’s reaction to uncertainty or not knowing what to expect. 

Signs & symptoms of anxiety

It is typical for separation anxiety in children to come and go throughout the early years (typically around the ages of 2 to 4 years) as children are learning to navigate being in situations away from their trusted caregivers. For preschoolers especially, while they take pride in doing ‘big’ things, change and transition is hard. Child care drop-offs, moving to a new class, change in a trusted caregiver, or a parent being away from home, can leave preschoolers anxious. The most common reaction in children is crying – that is the universal way for a child to get their needs met. However, some preschoolers can also express their anxiety or nervousness through a tantrum, becoming more clingy than usual, or even regressing with habits that they have mastered. For instance, it is normal for a child who has successfully been using the toilet for months to not make it to the bathroom in time during a phase of separation anxiety.

Fortunately, there are ways you can help preschoolers with separation anxiety – both in the moment and for all the tough situations down the road.  

Helping preschoolers cope with separation anxiety

Prepare ahead for the tough moments

• Talk to your child about your child care arrangement in a positive light and provide details on what they can expect to experience. This predictability gives children a sense of control and puts them at ease.
• If possible, make a plan to visit your child’s child care center or care space before needing to drop them off there. This can give your child the opportunity to meet new faces and explore the environment all while having you, their trusted person, by their side. 
• Follow the same morning routine and try to stick to the same time to drop off your child to give them a sense of control.

During drop-off

• Greet the caregiver and other children as you enter the room. 
• Spend time helping your child start an activity before engaging in extensive conversation with the caregiver. Children love to interact with their environment, so involving your child in a play activity will help them transition more easily.
• Let your caregiver know how your child is doing that morning and if there is any change in their schedule.
• Try to create a departure ritual that you follow each time you leave. You could sit down and read one book with your child, then give a hug. Another could be committing to giving two high-fives, doing a little dance, and saying “See you later!” 
• Partner with your child’s teacher for your departure ritual. Signal to your child’s teacher when you are ready to leave, so they can assist in comforting your child. This could look like having the caregiver bring your child to the door to wave goodbye while you leave or engage them in an activity, based on what your child is more comfortable with. 
• Try your best to pick up your child when you said you would, barring things out of your control.  If you said you would be there after naptime, try to be there after naptime, as this will continue to build trust. If your plans should change, try to communicate with your child’s caregiver so they can curb potential worries by reassuring your child you are on the way.
• Let your child hold a picture of the family or something you both drew together, as you leave. This may feel like a secure connection to you. In addition, you could let the child bring their favorite stuffed animal or blanket if that helps create a sense of security.
• Happy and confident exits reassure the child that they are safe. Keep it positive since your child can pick up on your feelings. You can exit the classroom and watch them settle (you’d be surprised how fast they do that) to feel better and rid yourself of guilt. Be cautious of waiting and watching if your child can see you—you will know your child best and if this will make the separation more difficult!
• Finally, don’t rush the process. Practice ample patience and grace since it is a difficult time for you and your child. Working in daily mindfulness practices can help both you and your child feel more in control of thoughts and emotions.

Conclusion

Investing in the relationship with your care provider is the biggest strategy when it comes to supporting preschoolers with separation anxiety. Since your provider is a close partner with you and your family in the daily care and education of your child —it can be one of the most important relationships in your family’s life. Take them along with you on your journey to help ease your child’s separation anxiety. 

For more actionable tips, you can listen to our early childhood experts Rachel Robertson and Claire Goss discuss this topic on Bright Horizon’s podcast for parents, “Teach. Play. Love:”