If you’re like millions of adults worrying about aging parents, you’re not alone. One-in-five Americans will be over age 65 by 2040, leaving their adult children thinking/worrying/stressing about them — a lot. Where will they live? Will they need to move? Will they be able to age in place? Will they require assisted living — or something more?
Ideally, it’s a discussion you want to start early. Renovations required to age in place take time. Assisted living can have waitlists. Wait too long and you end up making a quick decision — instead of the right one.
But how do you decide? The key is an honest talk about everything -- the structure of the house; the availability of services; the options for uprooting. And don’t just consider the “why you need to get out” part of the equation. Think about the upside of where one might go.
What are nine discussion points to help make this decision?
1. How mobile are they? Agility isn’t just about getting around the house; it’s also about getting out of it. Social sequestering can actually cause decline, say experts. So, you want to consider living arrangements as they relate to emerging health issues.
2. What’s their general health situation — and what if it changes? Do they feel up to maintaining a big house? Do they want to? “When I talked to my parents about what it takes to keep the family home up,” says Elise, a working mother whose parents ultimately moved to assisted living, “they realized they had no desire to vacuum and mow into old age. That helped make the decision.”
3. Are nearby services plentiful? A remote, rural house is fine when you’re self-sufficient. But what if you’re not? Discuss delivery areas and ride-share and taxi availability. Even factor in medical services since, in an emergency, they may be limited to the hospital they’re closest to, versus the hospital they prefer.
4. Do they have room for help to live with them? A small house with a shared bath will be one challenge; concerns about privacy will be another. “A lot of seniors say they’d be ok with someone in the house,” says Nancy, a consultant who works with families caring for an elder. “But when the time comes, they’re unhappy about what feels like an intrusion.”
5. Will they be able to find in-home care? Full-time care is great in theory — but will it be possible in practice? Talk to agencies in your parents’ area. Ask the local senior center. Check in with your benefits for recommendations. “The idea of bringing help in home may be ideal,” says Nancy, the elder care consultant. “You just need to make sure the resources are there.”
6. Is the house set up for aging in place? Stairs are the elephant in the room — and they’re not the only one. Thresholds, steep outdoor grades, and inaccessible bathrooms can all create barriers to aging in place. Is fixing them practical, cost-effective — or even possible? A “no” to any of those questions should direct the conversation.
7. How will this work with family? Aging in place can’t mean expecting family on standby — especially if they live a plane ride away. “When we had these discussions,” said Elise, who lives on the other side of the country from her parents, “I had to explain that I couldn’t get to them every time they blew a fuse. That drove a lot of thinking.”
8. Could assisted living be fun? Not every question has to be about what they’re leaving. Also help them think about what they could be heading toward. Do some research. Visit some complexes. Talk to friends. “My parents really resisted senior living,” says Elise. “But once they started visiting they found a place they really liked. I don’t think they’ve ever been so happy.”
What about the 9th question? That would be affordability — are they set up financially for their first choice? “Cost is a huge one,” says Nancy, the elder care consultant. Long-term care services are private pay and the national average is roughly $45-plus per hour.
Within your plans, you have to consider what’s going to be feasible practically, physically, and economically — and that will create the greatest quality of life.
“The goal” says Nancy, “isn’t just to choose an option. It’s to choose an option that allows you to support your health and keep your independence as long as possible.”