Moms, Lighten Your Mental Load
It would be easy to say, “Just stop.” But there’s more to unloading than that.
You’re peacefully asleep when at 3 a.m. when you bolt upright, awakened by a thought about something that you absolutely, positively, must remember: you need to buy toilet paper.
There’s a name for that: it’s called the “mental load.” And it’s the job (primarily among women) of being the keeper of all things: where the family is, where they’re supposed to be, where they put stuff, what they need. Think of the last time you rattled off a series of dentist appointments; or the time a child or spouse appeared looking for an item That Cannot Be Found that you were then able to produce by reaching backwards and blindfolded into a hall closet. It’s bad enough that it haunts women during the day; for many moms, it’s also invading jobs…and sleep. But what’s a mother to do?
- The more you can give away, the less you’ll have to remember. Start small: charge someone else with toilet paper. And be specific: tell them to check and replace it every week. If your children are old enough, get them involved in chores, too! That’s one less thing to think about.
Let stuff go
- Not sure what you feel like you can really let go of and delegate? Do a trial run. Give up the laundry, making breakfast, or doing a carpool…and just see how it feels to “edit your life.” You might be surprised at the freedom. If it makes you crazy, take it back.
Beware of maternal "gatekeeping"
- The hardest part of delegating is accepting the results. But partners or other family members may well opt out of tasks if the default setting is always that they’re doing it wrong. Toilet paper not the brand you would buy? Try to grin and bear it. It’s toilet paper, and it’s in the bathroom. Life is good.
Say "I don't know"The reason women are constantly expected to remember stuff is because they always do. Unless it’s an emergency, try to let the family sort it out and bear a small portion of their own loads.
Use "parenting hacks"The quest for perfection is more than self-defeating; it’s exhausting. School lunch only has to be food, and can even be pre-packaged when needed. Lunch does not have to be heart-shaped sandwiches and vegetable animals in a Bento box. Shortcuts can be helpful!
All of the above is perfect-world advice, but the load isn’t deconstructed in a day, and there’s no such thing as perfect parenting. Early on, you may have the occasional worry about something that needs to get done, but you can start small and work your way up to a lighter load…and fewer middle-of-the-night toilet paper panics.
Episode 15: The Work-Life Equation Podcast
Are you the manager of everything your family does? That's called "mental load." Listen to this episode of our working parent podcast to learn techniques to help you lighten your load, even just a little.