When Parenting Disagreements Arise
Holly was raised in a family where manners were important, where respect for elders was key, and where a father's rule was law. Derek's family life was less strict with little emphasis on manners and kids had a say (albeit small) in how decisions were made. Holly and Derek were married 4 years ago and had their first child, Apryl, about two years ago. They are finding that conflicts have been arising, particularly about how to discipline Apryl.
It would be a rare situation where two parents agreed on everything related to child rearing. Disagreements are bound to arise as we negotiate through how to guide children's behavior – whether to use a pacifier or not, how much screen time to allow, and all the many challenging decisions we parents have to make relative to our children. To top it off, we receive so much conflicting advice!
Individuals, parents, and non-parents alike feel the need to offer their assessment of child rearing, regardless of their own success as parents. Everyone has an opinion when it comes to parenting.
So what are parents to do in the face of disagreements with their partner and conflicting advice from family and friends? Here are a few tips to help negotiate this murky water: - If at all possible, don't disagree in front of your children. You can't always anticipate where and when you will disagree, but when you can, discuss the issue in private first and return to present a unified front. Disagreeing in front of children, while not necessarily damaging, can be confusing for them. At the same time, a healthy difference of opinion and subsequent negotiation, compromise, and follow-through on a decision is not necessarily a bad process for children to see.
- Time is precious for new parents and we often don't have the luxury of long conversations; but if you can find some uninterrupted time, it is great for each of you to share how you were parented and what you think was useful and what wasn't. If you have never had these kinds of conversations, it will at least put the disagreements into perspective. If you can find the time, it would also be great to talk about your hopes and dreams for your child(ren) and what it will take to support them to reach those dreams.
- There is so much advice from blogs and online discussions, family and friends, and from books and magazines. Find a few trusted writers that are close to your parenting philosophy and use them as guides to consult at times of conflict. A few common-sense parenting writers to consider include T. Berry Brazelton and Fred Rogers. Or consider a trusted organization like the American Academy of Pediatrics. Couples may want to agree on a few advisors from whom they will seek guidance.
- Talk to each other about what your child is capable of understanding. Sometimes the reasons for parental disagreements are because one parent thinks that a child should be able to understand a guideline and the other disagrees. Knowing what your child understands will help your joint decision-making.
- We know that it is good to give a reason to children when you state a guideline. For example, "Please slide down the slide. When you climb up, I am afraid that someone will slide down and bump into you." Explaining why you think a certain guideline should be followed is also good to do with your partner. It also gives you a chance to remind yourself why that particular guideline is important. For example, "When we let him use the computer for hours on end, he doesn't get much exercise and becomes more removed from his friends." "Because I said so. . ." is not enough of a reason for setting a rule or making a decision.
- Pick your battles. You may never agree on some things and you don't have to. Find the issues that are most important to you and work on resolving those first.
You and your partner will never agree on everything, but perhaps you can agree on a decision-making process. Some situations call for immediate parental action, but if you aren't satisfied with how a situation was handled, you can discuss later and decide how you will handle these kinds of situations in the future. In other situations, you may be able to step away and briefly discuss alternatives. Explaining your reasoning to both your child and your partner will go a long way to building trust with both your children and your partner.
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